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I am not a “clean up your own mess” kind of girl. That is why I have a cleaner to mop my floors and empty my ashtrays while I go to Starbucks to get my Hot Chocolate made for me.

When you think about it, it is actually quite amazing what you can pay people to do for you. And as soon as I can employ someone to live my life for me, I will.

 

Imagine if you could hire a cleaner for your life: The Ultimate Cleaning Lady. Someone to vacuum all of the bullshit we fill our days, relationships and lives with. Someone to wipe down our tears after Another Break-up or Lost Job. And someone to spray all of the bugs that hung around uninvited.

 

Some people call this concept “a boyfriend”, or “a husband” as they end up being the partners to share the mess of life wth. But as I have no desire for either (there is only one broom I want a man to use), I would like to find someone who I wouldn’t actually have to become emotionally attached to, but they would just…do everything.

 

“Who would you employ?” my friend Russell asked me when I told him my plan to abdicate all responsibility from my life.

“Well…he would have to be cute,” I admitted.

“He?”

“Please. What is the point of hiring a middle aged woman? She wouldn’t Get my life at all.”

 

But would a cute boy? None have in the past, so why would it be any different if I was paying them? Oh. It would be: Because I would fire them if they questioned/complained/acknowledged all of the mistakes I manage to make between the hours of coffee through to Scotch (Aside: Some people call this concept “a break up”).

 

After I had employed Mr Perfect (no experience necessary, no degree required, tight ass pre-requisite), my first order would be for Him to send out a memo to all of those people that I just can’t be bothered keeping in contact with: ex-boyfriends, ex-friends, yet never bother to personally cut contact with. Then, I would make him clean my bedroom. Because, I swear I have yellow pumps. I just can’t seem to find them.

 

I want my grass to be mowed and I have no idea how it is done, who did it or when the task was executed. I want my wardrobe to be colour-coded and clothes actually on hangers. In fact, I want someone to lie out my daily outfits on my made-bed. I want my bills to be paid. I want my phone to be charged. And, ultimately, I want a cigarette to be lit at all times. Just in case I encounter some stress in my non-existent existence.

 

Imagine: You wouldn’t miss any phone calls when you have become distracted by the in-toilet magazine. You wouldn’t have sleepless nights wondering, “Was there something I was supposed to do today?” Because it would be done. And there would be no more awkward break-up conversations.

“Sorry, Sall won’t be coming to dinner tonight. Or ever again.”

 

“Life would be pretty boring,” my much more sensible friend Russell noted.

Is that what makes life interesting? The drama? The rejections? The confusion?

While I would love to have none of it in my life via a Life Cleaner, even I must admit that while money makes the world go round, experience makes life square.

It would make a mess to give that up.

 

Because even if there was someone there to clean up after you, or even to catch you when you fall, you still have to be the one to create the action. Because no matter how successful you are, you are the only one who can live your life. Clean and simple.

 

Post By Sall