My UK visa has officially been denied. How accustomed I have come to being rejected by one man has not prepared me for the utter devastation of being rejected by seventy million. British immigration didn’t even have the decency to lie, “Its not you, its me.” However, the same insecurities arise when faced with [...]
I have new faith in my quality as a writer. Not because I wrote anything decent – oh Hell no – but mainly because I turned on the television expecting to be entertained. The theory goes that if you put a million monkeys in front of a million typewriters, Shakespeare would eventually be written. I [...]
When I was fifteen years old, my mother looked at me seriously and said, “When I die, I want to be cremated and put in a Southern Comfort bottle.” It was a comment that has set in motion a hell of a lot of wheels in the crazy train that is my life. For [...]
I am incapable of planning anything in my life. And thank Gucci for that. If I was capable of making, and then following through, with anything I fleetingly thought to engage in, I would probably be a princess right now. Oh. Moot point. On Saturday morning I woke up and was readying myself [...]
I have recently been working for my parents because, 1) I am a writer so therefore I have oodles of free time, and 2) I am a writer so therefore I am constantly poor. So when their receptionist walked out one Tuesday afternoon and the opportunity for me to actually get out of bed came [...]
I am currently in day two of what will be anecdoted in my autobiography as “Fuck You Fondue”. According to my geographical sources, Fondue originated in Switzerland. And let me tell you: There is nothing remotely neutral about consuming two loaves of bread and two kilograms of cheese (with two litres of scotch). My digestive [...]