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For four days I have had nothing to do. Not that I am usually saving the world (yet), but I seem to manage to fill the hours between coffee and scotch with frivolous movements that make the hours pass.

When I am bedridden, I feel like Superman without his cape. The world is still moving, but I can do nothing about it.

 

However, being sick has some serious (to me) upsides. For example, for fifty-one weeks of the year, all I want to do is watch “The Hills”, eat ice-cream and not speak to a single person. This week, germs made my dreams come true. I should be the spokesperson for “Get Something Viral Now!”

 

By not leaving my lounge room floor for longer than an hour at a time, I have learnt:

 

1. YouTube is the universe. And David Letterman is its God. Seriously, this guy has interviewed everyone who has ever lived and mocked them all in the process. Don’t believe me? Take seven minutes out of your (healthy) day to watch Madonna circa 1994. Sheer. Brilliance.
2. Ditto to the YouTube universe’s diverse and active community of adorable Panda’s. While that cute and cuddley creature may be in short supply in the real universe, it is florishing online. I want one as a pet. Preferably one who sneezes.
3. Ice-cream should be its own food group. There are even a variety of flavours to make you believe that you have taken something from every level of the nutritional pyramid. Yesterday, I started the day with vanilla and ended it by consuming double-chocolate-with-tim-tam-and-cookie-dough. If that isn’t a balanced diet, I just don’t know what is. (Read: I have no clue.)
4. Justin Bobby on “The Hills” is the shows real and only star. I don’t care what anyone says, Heidi and Spencer are yesterdays news. Justin Bobby could beat Obama in any presidential campaign. That guys outlook on life is revolutionary. (Aside: Only applicable if you have no life. Which, by day three, I applied to myself.)
5. If you sit in one position on your balcony for long enough (dressed in pyjama’s with hair that hasn’t been washed since the weather was still described as “late summer”), Hot Boys will eventually walk past. It may take four hours, nine scoops of Baskin Robbins’ divine Mint Choc Chip and an entire edition of Vogue magazine, but, eventually, something pretty will pass. (Aside: Only applicable if you live at my house.)
6. I can change outfits twice a day, staying in what are classed as “pyjamas”, and never wear the same thing twice. Same applies to headbands.
7. Prisoners Of War would have looked so much cuter if they to had the opportunity to repaint their nails every six hours. (Aside: Apt description of me during Day Four of No Solid Food.)
8. Family are like prison guards. If they are giving you drugs, you love them. If they are stepping over you while you lay on the floor, you hate them.
9. When you vicariously live through characters you create, suddenly you have thirty pages of a screenplay featuring a main protagonist who hasn’t moved for no apparent reason.

10. Ex-boyfriends are brilliant. If only to bring afore mentioned ice-cream to you. And give you ideas to type into YouTube. (“Explosion” is hilarious).

 

Tomorrow, I am going to venture into that place I call The Real World (which is not to be mistaken with that brilliant MTV show, the one I am about three hours of “The Hills” away from watching.)

 

Obviously, it isn’t all fun and games. I think that I have started to turn a weird purple colour and my dog has become over-cuddled. I am desperate to get out in The Land Of The Living (relative when you live on The GC), and am determined to make it happen.

“You are not super human,” AM tried to convince me while she hung up my clothes and I snuggled in blankets like a burrito. “What on earth is this?” She held up a sparkly caplet. (Aside: It looks totally hot on).

“A cape,” I explained. “I will wear it when I am healthy. Just like Superman.”

 Post By Salium.