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I hate Albert Hammond Jr. Don’t mistake that.

The following is merely an explanation, a justification – if you will -, of that very true statement.

In fact, Albert Hammond Jr is the latest addition on my To Kill List. A list which includes Lindsay Lohan, Eva Longoria and the person who thought that the onion was a good thing to put into food.

 

See, Albert Hammond Jr totally screwed up my plans. Not set-in-stone plans, otherwise known as Life Plans, just my Sunday plans. Yes, I know, right, six one half a dozen or the other?

 

So, for disorganizing my Sunday, Albert Hammond Jr can go to Hell. Or, at the very least, if it is more convenient, he can accept the fact that I will never buy his album or go out of my way to see him in concert. In fact, if he was dying of dehydration on the street, I would only give him a sip to keep him going if I happened to be carrying a drink I dislike. Like cyanide.

 

How did the guitarist of The Strokes manage to get on my bad side? And anger me so much that I would (possibly) put him above Eva Longoria on my To Kill List?

 

He did not go to Splendor In The Grass.

 

A small problem, in the scheme of things, you say? And yes, I could agree. However, I don’t.

Because I believe in honoring a commitment. And so I find that there is no excuse for not turning up to Splendor (or work, as it were) when you have said that you will. I mean, I managed. And I lost a pinky toenail (I know, gross.)

 

I wasn’t going to splendor to see Albert Hammond Jr. In fact, I would not have watched him if he had managed to drag his skinny jeans to the event [there was a tap dancing rap competition at the same time as his set. If you don't know that that is my talent then you don't know me]. BUT. His absence fucked up my entire day.

 

Now, I could blame the Splendor (splendid?) Organizers for deciding, on the day, to push back every single performance on one stage to accommodate the fact that Albert Hammond Jr couldn’t be assed to show up. But why blame the minions?

 

But poor Albert Hammond Jr. He is going to have to deal with the fact that he will miss out on my CD sale or (classic) tap dance moves during a future set because his tardiness forced Vampire Weekend and Laura Marling to perform at the same time. The two bands I did pay two hundred dollars to see. And who, before Albert Hammond Jr decided to play God, I was able to see.

 

Who are they, you ask?

 

Well….they are the bands that could be bothered to turn up to work. Enough said.

 

Now, I would not be so bitter, if say, Albert Hammond Jr was dying of natural causes (other than my voodoo doll). I can deal if a musician is sick. I to have had a cold and stayed in bed watching “My So Called Life” reruns. So I can accept.

 

But because I know (via various sources – one being a friend of a friend of a friend who happens to know Albert Hammond Jr) that he was not sick, I can’t buy his “sore throat” excuse. He was partying in New York with his girlfriend.

 

Awww, you say.

 

No. No No No No.

 

This ‘decision’ (Aside: if I was to take a contrary position, I would argue that I wouldn’t get out of bed with a supermodel for ten thousands dollars a day either) made me (and many others) have to miss bands we wanted to see, gave me two hours free time to do what I like and forced me to occupy myself by doing shots at the bar and then not actually remembering much else of the night. But I do have visions of dancing around a tent with people wearing flannelette shirts.

 

This is Albert Hammond Jr’s fault.

 

All I ask is that my musicians show up, play their set, don’t screw up the playing schedule and stop me from drinking my body weight in tequila.

 

And maybe do a cover of “Mustang Sally” every time they perform.  

 

Post By Salium.