If you don’t hear from me for a while, it is because I have moved to Brazil, changed my name to Manuel and am selling soup on the side of the street in exchange for cigarettes. “How did you not notice that you did this?” One of RG’s employees asked me as we surveyed [...]
There are two things I hate in this world: Eva Longoria. And when a boy you could be interested in has a girlfriend. See there is one thing I won’t do (other than butt sex) and that is steal a boy from another girl. OK, so I have done it unintentionally. But I have [...]
If I ever have a kid (don’t worry; I won’t), I will give It a unique name to ensure lifetime individuality. Tinkerbelle. Elroy. Snuffleugifus. Anything. So long as no one else develops an unhealthy obsession with the monikers of cartoon characters and muppets, my hypothetical kids will live in relatively infamy. Other people don’t have [...]
A wise girl once said, “There is nothing like a solitary weekend: Just you, a bottle of scotch, a lot of cheese, a good book and an indent in the couch (or sand).” OK. So the girl was me (Hi!), but I stand by my advice. In fact, I have followed it so closely [...]
Where Is My Mind [Part 2] I need to stop drinking. [Man. If I had a dollar for every time I started a story with that sentence…] I recently went to the doctor for a routine check up to ensure that my death is not imminent [as it should be with my [...]
Today my mother called me with some brilliant news. “I have found you a husband.” Apparently someone is looking for one. “What does he look like? Who would play him in a movie?” My mothers perspective of ‘gorgeous’ is endlessly different to mine and she once asked, “What is wrong with red hair?” “He is [...]
My boy dramas know no boundaries. Domestic boys, international boys, [alien boys]. I’m like Virgin Atlantic. Except that, you know, by multi-level definition I am not. It is very rare that I commit social suicide by ten o’clock on a Monday morning (aside from the year when I had black hair. That was deadly [...]
There comes a point in every girl’s life, when she is hooking up with a DJ in the bathroom of a nightclub… …Oh, there isn’t? Well there now is in mine. When I was eighteen, I managed to find a way to physically, mentally and financially afford to party on every single [...]
I have never subscribed to the idea of “sisterhood”. Aligning myself with girls has always seemed futile considering the jealousy, competitiveness and bitchiness that I have witnessed consuming girl conversations. “Sisterhood”, like “non-airbrushed Vogue covers”, does not exist. On top of that, I just don’t really like the female gender that much. I [...]
Before I run, I look into the distance to the finish line (which is five, six, seven or sometimes one kilometres away) and think, “That doesn’t look far at all. Pfft. I could sprint the darn thing.” This is always because distance in comparison to up-close size is distorted and it looks like I could [...]