There is nothing I love more than sitting alone in a bar to just think, be and watch the beautiful bar tenders. Sometimes I think I should choose my friends based only on their occupations. If for no other reason than if I acquired relationships based on Their skill, I would have a hairdresser, [...]
A Little Girl In New York: Surrounded By Arrogance. I don’t like people at the best of times*. Add thirty-seven hours with no cigarettes and a delayed airplane and I suddenly identify with terrorists. I don’t [always] like Canadians at the best of times**. Add a seven hour airplane delay and zero commonsense [...]
I have been told, via the magic of pop culture, that Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse, open sleigh. I hate to break it to you kids, but that, like Santa, is a complete load of bullshit. AM is like Mrs Claus, minus about eighty kilograms and diabetes. [...]
I make myself an easy target for jokes, criticism and opinion. Never, even for a moment, think that this is unintentional or that I am unaware of it. I, more than anyone, am aware of my position in the world. If you want to know what it is, ask me about it. [...]
I have a list of things I want to do in my life. I want to go to the North Pole dressed as Santa. I want to eat sixty-four slices of American cheese in one sitting. And I want to sleep with an eighteen year old before it rates too high on the creep-o-metre. [...]
The last time I went on a family vacation, I was at an age where I still needed parental supervision to go to the toilet. On this family vacation, my parents have supervised me in the toilet because, as it turns out, scotch at altitude can intensify ones hangovers and gag reflexes*. “Why [...]
Since I [ignorantly] declared that I would be giving up Californian Surfers, three of them – who I have never slept with – have crawled out from under their piles of vintage clothing and surfboards to start paying me attention. Where were they two weeks ago? Who knew there were three I had not [...]
Last night I drank with a fan of my work (I found the one!) who wanted to sleep with me just so I would write about him. “You have read my work. You know my tone. Why would you actively put yourself in that position?” I asked. I mean, I would sleep with me. But [...]
While I was in L.A, it snowed in Malibu for the first time since God was a boy. Suffice to say, I was unexpectedly [fucking] freezing on the beach and petrified about what kind of cold Canadialand would introduce me to… …Before I go any further, I must ask: “What genius decided to [...]
It is that time of year when one should start thinking about New Years Resolutions… ..Speaking of failures, today I sat in a coffee house on The Sunset Strip and was a table across from Pauly Shore. Loud and obnoxious people don’t usually bother me (I would be a virgin as well as a hypocrite [...]