I toilet trained myself as a two year old child because my parents were too hungover one day to take me to the bathroom. This was by no means a common occurrence in my childhood (until I became a teenager and really gave them a reason to drink). It was also, possibly, the last time [...]
Today I stared at a blank wall for five hours, became mesmerized by a pile of coat hangers and started talking to myself. Apparently, the only difference between Sober Me and Drunk me is an extra one hundred dollars in my purse and the ability to walk.
For some reason, probably because I am The Eternal [...]
Some people find Los Angeles to be depressing because it is a field of broken dreams. And while I do get waves of sympathy when I see struggling actors reading How To acting books while sunbaking on a beach at midday on a Wednesday, I see The City Of Angels as a place where brave [...]
I meet boys who I like all the time. Literally, I can’t walk out of my house and light a Marlboro without running into at least six boys who I picture naked while they reach for things in high places and flex. But I rarely meet girls who I like. But every few years I [...]
“I can’t sleep with any more boys who have a name starting with the letter J,” I told my roommate and official pimp. I listed off all of the J names that have been in my life and bed.
“Oh Jesus,” she said.
“No, I haven’t done him.”
But I probably would. Despite major differences in our philosophies, [...]
I went to see a magic show at a magic castle. I hadn’t seen one since I was four years old and was as excited as I usually am for a totally different kind of magic.
“You are an adult now, you will probably see through it,” my friend told me.
I gave the industry credit that [...]
I can’t deny that I am a sucker for a twenty-year-old Californian surfer. My last three boyfriends have been them, plus students, and while I would love to say that I was with them for their brains, I never let them speak in detail for long enough to find out.
I love universities. To me they [...]
Martin Luthar King had a dream. And I am sure it was that two little blonde girls would be looking for gay porn in various Hollywood sex shops on his national day of remembrance.
It takes a lot to shock me. I think I became desensitised to life when I realized beyond reasonable doubt that my [...]
It takes a lot to make me cry. But loosing my credit cards, money, Blackberry, camera and, most importantly, favourite lipgloss will do it.
I just really loved the shade, you know?
The only thing I have ever enjoyed loosing is my virginity. And even then, I think I cried tears of disappointment. I don’t loose things. [...]
I can count all of the people I have slept with on one hand. If that hand is holding a scientific calculator.
I don’t want a relationship at this stage of my life (otherwise known as forever) and enjoy cardio workouts, so sex is destined to be a busy part of my social events calendar. Thus, [...]