I know how to get a guy into bed. It isn’t hard (metaphorically. If it isn’t hard physically, Go Home). But I have no idea how to get myself into a relationship. “Is that why sex stores sell hand cuffs?” I asked my mature relationship-locked friend. “So they physically can’t leave? Is that how relationships [...]
On Saturday night, a boy and I dragged my parallactically drunk alcofriend out of a party so that he could throw up over a brick wall. Armed with a glass of water so I could care for Him, I was pouring it over his back while the boy looked on. “So,” the boy spoke up. [...]
Sometimes I have a day where I am like, “Am I the worlds most disgusting, pathetic, horrible, worthless and stupid human being and I didn’t get the memo?” I am having one of those days/weeks/possible life times. I am an exceptionally happy and positive person. It stems from deciding that the glass is always [...]
My magic list reads like a menu at IHOP: The International House Of Penis’s. I have metaphorical flags from Norway, Germany, Columbia, Canada, England and, of course, California, to name the places that I actually remember/like/can spell. If anyone were ever to accuse me of discrimination, I would just have to alert them to Magic [...]
When you don’t drink alcohol, you suddenly have an abundance of free time. Mornings are suddenly filled with frolicking in the ocean and Rice Bubbles, not hangovers and Scotch. Afternoons are filled with runs or hot chocolate, not falling over and vodka. And nights are filled with sleeping, not sex. In the past two weeks, [...]
I have often declared that if there is a pathological, lying asshole within a five-kilometre radius, I will be completely attracted to him. I would even go as far as to suggest that I would give him one of my semi-working kidneys should he ever think up a significant story to warrant one. So long [...]
Nine times out of ten, I know the source of any illness I have. I have been asked, “How much did you drink?” on several occasions while driving the porcelain bus to the moon. If I could count beyond the number three hundred, I would maybe be able to give a rough estimate of how [...]
For the past two days, I have been achingly tired. “Withdrawals,” my friend diagnosed. “It has almost been two full weeks. So now is about the time when all the alcohol would be out of your system…” She said more, but I was napping. When I dated the Nice Boyfriend for two and a [...]
When I was a child (…), my friends would want to play “mums and dads”. Even as a seven year old, I had the intuition to know that it wasn’t a scenario fit for a game. Instead, I wanted to sit in a tree and put grass in my mouth and pretend to smoke. [...]
Some things are hard. Sometimes that is good and sometimes that is really, really bad. “This detox is getting increasingly difficult,” I told my friend BS. “It also seems that my sex life is directly linked to how much alcohol I consume.” “You swore off sex?” Some things are really, really bad decisions. [...]