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On Saturday night, a boy and I dragged my parallactically drunk alcofriend out of a party so that he could throw up over a brick wall.

Armed with a glass of water so I could care for Him, I was pouring it over his back while the boy looked on.

“So,” the boy spoke up. “Can I get your phone number?”

In my weird life, it was the closest I have ever been to what could be called a Threesome.

 

The strangest things happen when you are the only sober person at a party that has a keg on the guest list. While most people drink to make friends, I have come to learn that being a non-alcoholic can make you a favourite amongst people who are. Because everyone needs a DDFF (Designated Driver Friend Forever) or a DTGMBFF (Drive To Get More Beer Friend Forever). And, lets be honest, it is always nice if someone in the bed remembers having sex twenty minutes after the event. And I never have witnesses for such a thing. 

 

Out of all of the important lessons I have learnt in my life, I think I can honestly (and soberly) say that realizing that alcohol is the most unnecessary ingredient in a fun night is the most liberating lesson of them all (aside from realizing that No-one Really Gives A Shit About What You do and Pleather Pants Look Shit On Everyone). Because if you have a bottle of Coke Zero, a packet of cigarettes, a chair and the ability to attract anyone short a chromosome, the night really does write itself and You can wake up the next morning doing starjumps while everyone else is either throwing up or regretting ever exchanging phone numbers.

 

It has been a while since I have been at a party that wasn’t populated by twenty-year olds. Parties are different when the guest list includes boys born in the seventies, The Nice Guy I Am Currently Sleeping With and The Crush*. It becomes an orgy of fun with no-one crying over spilt beer or missing references to pop-culture before 1992.

 

“It is lucky you are not drinking,” my alcofriend said to me before he fell over and passed out, therefore cementing his comment to be fact. “Imagine what kind of mischief you could get up to.”

He nodded to The Nice Guy I Am Currently Sleeping Wtih and The Crush, winked at me and I knew what he meant. But I don’t want to have a threesome for the same reason that I don’t want to get married: I can’t multi-task. I also have an inability to share. My threesome fate was sealed in kindergarten when RG and AM had to have a meeting with my teacher because, even as a five year old, I couldn’t focus on more than one person at a time.

 

Oh, I am also incredibly greedy, selfish and, with those qualities, often wonder how I ever get laid as a single entity in the first place[?].

 

I was sitting on the floor of a garage (aside: This just gets classier) when another alcofriend sat next to me to watch The Nice Guy I Am Currently Sleeping With and The Crush play a Doublesome game of beer pong.

“You like [The Crush], don’t you?” He asked while I was debating which glorious torso to look at. “I can see it in your eyes.”

Usually, people can only see remnants of scotch in my eyes. I guess detox brings out various types of clarity.

 

My drunk mind would tell me to just enjoy it and not worry about the reality of falling for someone while sleeping with someone else. But my sober mind is much more realistic, selfish and thoroughly preoccupied with being an eternal-single-entity rather than part of some kind of relationwhatevertheyarecalled. (Aside: Which roughly translates to a fear of commitment).

“Why don’t you do something with [The Crush]?” the alcofriend asked.

My two-sided mind doesn’t want to destroy either relationwhatevertheyarecalled. I currently have the ability to really fall for someone for the first time in over a year, I don’t want to fuck that up by actually dating him and ruining the fantasy that he is perfect.

Hence my weird emotional threesome.

 

But I can’t treat people as a game and haven’t been able to include them in my confusion since kindergarten. I am disinterested in a threesome whether it is standing with two boys while one vomits and one flirts, or when I sleep with one while fall for another or if we are all actually getting nakey and doing something that resembles fun. I have this weird instinct to be honest and straight with people. Which, from what I have heard, definitely doesn’t work in a threesome. 

 

Being greedy and selfish can be good things. But in the threesome of sex, love and relationships**, thinking about someone else’s feelings is important.

I sincerely explained to my alcofriend that I can’t just use someone: I have to work out what the situation is before I jump out of bed and into a relationship.

“You make me sick,” he said. “Just be bold and make a move.”

And then he really was sick. And I was stuck in the least attractive threesome, while watching The Crush flirt with someone else…

 

*who I am either falling for or have fallen for. I don’t know. 

**apparently they are connected. 

 

 Post By Salium.