Many people question my frequent and loud declarations to forgo marriage and children. “It may be fun now,” Friends say (Aside: it is!), “But what will you do when you are forty and we are all married and have kids.” “Well…” I think for a moment, inhale, and generally act like my answer is unprepared. [...]
“All He ever does is talk directly to my boobs,” so many girls wail to me. “Oh Boo-Fucking-Hoo,” I respond. “At least you have boobs for Him to be distracted by. Thanks to my Nine-Year-Old-Boys-Body, I have had to develop something called a P-E-R-S-O-N-A-L-I-T-Y to keep Him interested.” Without wit, a keen memory for [...]
My nanna has always tried to give me the type of wisdom that money cannot buy. “Marry for money, not love,” she told me for the first time when I was about eight. “You end up hating Him anyway. So you may as well get a few nice pairs of shoes out of it.” I [...]
Someone once estimated that guys think about sex once every seven seconds. “So, what are you thinking about for the other six seconds?” I wondered. It turns out, nothing. They are just looking for someone to think about having sex with. Girls [apparently] think about other things. And there is a lot to think about: [...]
Three friends have recently informed me that they have been dealing with or met someone who is my identical twin. “She was so similar to you. Except she drank vodka, not scotch.” “She was actually really nice and funny. But otherwise, it was you in a nutshell.” “She was you, but better. You know?” Rather [...]
Dogs may be mans best friend. But I have come to think that dogs may be woman’s best ideal of a boyfriend. Think about it: Here is this little thing that actually wants cuddles, listens to everything you say, initiates affection even after you yell at it and doesn’t make excuses when there is pee [...]
The last time I talked to a professional stripper I felt really deflated. “You earn how much in a night?” I blurted out as she straddled my friend and I acted as the intellectual beard in the corner, trying to find out if she was putting herself through medical school or if This was as [...]
Some people would call standing in a room full of people they have slept with “mortifying”. I call it “Friday night at the bar down the road”. My favourite author poses a question in his novel: “You are in a room full of people you have either slept with or dated. You have seen [...]
Most times when I am counting in the middle of the night I am using inches as units. However, as a one off, after one month with no alcohol, I embraced the solar clock and watched minutes pass until the Blackberry struck midnight and I could drink the metric system in alcohol. The only [...]