When I was thirteen, a group of high school bullies chased me around the school oval calling me “Salorexia”. It was, apparently, an insulting nod to the fact that I still had to buy my clothes in the children’s department. After they became bored with that slur, they started to comment on the “train tracks” [...]
After I saw the movie “Super Size Me”, I developed a fascination with putting the biggest things possible in my mouth. Yes, I will get the bucket-sized equivalent of Diet Coke. Sure, I would love a foot-long hotdog. OK, If I have to eat that four-tier ice-cream-cone, I will. Reverse psychology works wonders on me [...]
My girl friend rediscovered her grade one crush by stalking him on the Interweb. “So, tell me, is he as cute as he was when he was six-years-old and still eating sand?” “No,” she admitted, becoming one of the unfortunate Interweb stalking statistics. “He wears button down plaid shirts now.” We are fortunate to have [...]
I was once carried across a bridge, while hyperventilating, because of a dead six-inch green tree snake that was in my path and I was incapable of walking past it. “If you weren’t bendy…” My then-boyfriend shook his head. He said this every time I was irrational: in the face of snakes, while drinking blended [...]
Whenever I am reminded that Germany onceuponatime tried to take over the entire world, I think, “Seriously? How can anyone be that stupid?” And then I remember that I once got one mark out of a possible twenty on an exam purely because I remembered to write my name on it and I realize that [...]
When I was two years old, I made AM late for her one-day-a-week of work. “What happened to you?” Her boss asked when she finally arrived flustered sometime after midday. “I just wrestled with a toddler over what she would wear to preschool.” “Why didn’t you tell her what to wear and just put it [...]
I once told a boyfriend that I didn’t need him, I wanted him. What followed was an education on how to throw a brilliant passive aggressive tantrum. I took notes, packed a lunch and calmly waited it out. “Do you want to stay over?” I asked when I thought enough time had passed for him [...]
My boy friend gave me his fish to baby-sit and my mother relented after ten years of begging to say, “If you can keep It alive for three weeks, you can have a goldfish of your own.” “I am on a reward system for a fucking fish? What am I? Eight?” I stamped my foot. [...]
I walked into my kitchen and found a note. “The car is yours for the day. Why don’t you drive to the beach, have fun with the pretty surfers and enjoy some scotch?” I threw on my oh-so-chic denim overalls, grabbed my Marc Jacobs bag, kissed the pretty boy who was still asleep in my [...]
I have a habit of biting my nails that I desperately try to curb by smoking. One day, my mother slapped me in public. “What was that for?” I asked, dumbfounded. My parents have never hit me. Despite many opportunities welcoming it. “Don’t bite your nails. It isn’t ladylike.” “Oh, but hitting someone is?” She [...]