When I was thirteen, a group of high school bullies chased me around the school oval calling me “Salorexia”.
It was, apparently, an insulting nod to the fact that I still had to buy my clothes in the children’s department. After they became bored with that slur, they started to comment on the “train tracks” (read: [...]
After I saw the movie “Super Size Me”, I developed a fascination with putting the biggest things possible in my mouth.
Yes, I will get the bucket-sized equivalent of Diet Coke.
Sure, I would love a foot-long hotdog.
OK, If I have to eat that four-tier ice-cream-cone, I will.
Reverse psychology works wonders on me and so the moment [...]
My girl friend rediscovered her grade one crush by stalking him on the Interweb.
“So, tell me, is he as cute as he was when he was six-years-old and still eating sand?”
“No,” she admitted, becoming one of the unfortunate Interweb stalking statistics. “He wears button down plaid shirts now.”
We are fortunate to have the Interweb. And [...]
I was once carried across a bridge, while hyperventilating, because of a dead six-inch green tree snake that was in my path and I was incapable of walking past it.
“If you weren’t bendy…” My then-boyfriend shook his head. He said this every time I was irrational: in the face of snakes, while drinking blended scotch [...]
Whenever I am reminded that Germany onceuponatime tried to take over the entire world, I think, “Seriously? How can anyone be that stupid?” And then I remember that I once got one mark out of a possible twenty on an exam purely because I remembered to write my name on it and I realize that [...]
When I was two years old, I made AM late for her one-day-a-week of work.
“What happened to you?” Her boss asked when she finally arrived flustered sometime after midday.
“I just wrestled with a toddler over what she would wear to preschool.”
“Why didn’t you tell her what to wear and just put it on her?”
“I tried. [...]
I once told a boyfriend that I didn’t need him, I wanted him. What followed was an education on how to throw a brilliant passive aggressive tantrum. I took notes, packed a lunch and calmly waited it out.
“Do you want to stay over?” I asked when I thought enough time had passed for him to [...]
My boy friend gave me his fish to baby-sit and my mother relented after ten years of begging to say, “If you can keep It alive for three weeks, you can have a goldfish of your own.”
“I am on a reward system for a fucking fish? What am I? Eight?” I stamped my foot.
“Have you [...]
I walked into my kitchen and found a note.
“The car is yours for the day. Why don’t you drive to the beach, have fun with the pretty surfers and enjoy some scotch?”
I threw on my oh-so-chic denim overalls, grabbed my Marc Jacobs bag, kissed the pretty boy who was still asleep in my bed Good [...]
I have a habit of biting my nails that I desperately try to curb by smoking.
One day, my mother slapped me in public.
“What was that for?” I asked, dumbfounded. My parents have never hit me. Despite many opportunities welcoming it.
“Don’t bite your nails. It isn’t ladylike.”
“Oh, but hitting someone is?”
She then threatened to tie my [...]