I would like to say that I will eventually act like an adult in front of my parents. But, like a well-behaved child, I don’t like to lie. I firmly believe that I could be the dictator of a country (seriously), treating my subjects like ants, but then my mother would walk into the room [...]
I woke up to my first ever grey hair. In my eyebrow.
“Did this happen overnight?” I screamed as I ran around my house, displaying the tweezed evidence that proves it is almost illegal for me to chase after twenty-year-old boys. “Or have I been walking around in public with one lone grey hair in the [...]
My dogs are homosexual. They came out of the kennel a couple of years ago by felatting each other in the lounge room at breakfast time.
“Wow!” I exclaimed when I walked in and saw that the poodle was on top. “This is not what I expected.”
Will, the Jack Russell, had a look of mortification in [...]
I used to go shopping for clothes. But then I realized that boys have a ready-made metaphorical catwalk of garments, perfectly disposed of on their bedroom floor. Shirts, pants, boxer shorts and the occasional bow-tie, have often, again metaphorically, begged at me from that laundry pile.
“Please, Sall. Take me home. You can’t possibly wear that [...]
I recently bought a seven dollar ring and have been wearing it on my ring finger. At first I did it so that said digit would actually get some use and seven dollars is, coincidentally, about the value I deem acceptable for anything that is supposed to proclaim something on it.
Then I realized that my [...]
The hardest item of clothing to take off is The Skinny Leg Jean. I am convinced that they were created from left over cloth by the dude who invented the chastity belt. I have defied many people – myself included – to exit the SLJ in an exotic and time efficient manner, but the act [...]
My favorite place in the world is The Bathroom. It comes second to Zac Efron’s bed. Some of my greatest thinking, ideas and hairstyles eventuate while sitting on the floor of a shower for forty-five minutes.
If I could buy waterproof books and water wasn’t the enemy of Marlboro Lights, I would never leave The Bathroom. [...]
I think for twenty-four hours per day. Ironically, it is a direct correlation to my age but of no reflection to my maturity. Some time off is spread thinly around eating, pooping or watching “The Hills”, but generally my mind can be physicalized by a mouse running through a maze in desperate search of an [...]
OnceuponaIwasusefull, I went grocery shopping, probably bought too many boxes of Lifestyles and couldn’t get the overflowing shopping cart onto the conveyer belt to take me to my car. The weight of the trolley meant that the wheels became stuck, the trolley tipped over, which then tripped me over and I was suddenly saved by [...]
The Last Hurrah!
My girl friends and I choose bottles of wine based on their name. Which is basically like judging a book by its cover for the alcohol inclined. Because anything named “Arrogant Frog”, “Mad Dog” or “Four Sisters” and sold for five dollars begs to be drunk in copious amounts above anything sporting a [...]