I don’t think I could ever work nine to five because those are tanning hours. My hypothetical boss would walk into my cubical/glory hole and inquire as to where I was. “She is at the beach,” Crystal (hypothetically) would say. I would be fired before the end of the first week and would then, subsequently, [...]
The most interesting way I have ever been broken up with is by being told, “I am a pirate”. “Are you, like, in between vessels right now? Because you don’t even have a boat.” I started picturing him in a puffy shirt with a wooden leg and, at that moment, empathized with every girl who [...]
If writing fails, I am going to open a vintage clothing store. That way, I will still remain in the business of regenerating other people’s ideas, but I will have cash flow to show for it. “This place is like a hipsters wet dream,” I told my girl friend at a music festival as I [...]
In a strong field, the most annoying thing I do is handheld quotation marks when I wish to voice emphases. “I just don’t like “Fat People”,” I will say, as though adding grammar to the situation subtracts discrimination and makes me amusing. Every time I do it, I die a little inside. I liken it [...]
I lost friends when I admitted to having a crush on Good Charlotte’s enigmatic front man Joel Madden. No one really understood why I was lusting after a pop-punk musician[?] who once dated Hilary Duff. “You can do better,” my girl friend told me. “What about George Clooney? He is a good celebrity crush to [...]
Whenever I hear a song I love, read a sentence I admire, see a film I am moved by or picture Zac Efron, I declare my passion by describing sexual deeds I would perform in response to the genius. “Her voice is so amazing. I want to make out with her.” “He was so powerful. [...]
The day I realized that the word ‘history’ was a portmanteau of ‘his story’ was [possibly] the most feminist moment of my life. “Is there a ‘Herstory’?” I demanded. “Yes,” RG enlightened. “But it goes off on irrelevant tangents, is covered in chocolate and locks you out if you dispute it.” His seventy-nine year-old mother-in-law, [...]
There is a reason why lingerie gets someone randomly laid but intellectual conversations won’t. “I can’t fuck an idea or opinion,” my boy friend told me. “Nor can you even spell lingerie,” I reminded him. The irony that the way to get anyone into bed is simply an idea (albeit a great one) just like [...]
“I think there are only a limited amount of orgasms to be had in life,” my girl friend said to me. “Is there like a PETA equivalent for sexual cruelty? Why would you just say that to me?” I was panicking. “I am serious!” she insisted. “So am I. Seriously, delete my number from your [...]
I have routinely wondered how famous philosophers would justify random sex. Aristotle would have had a post-coital cigarette and a chat about how one must experience, not reason, the art of fucking everything that moves. I imagine that Rene Descartes was thinking of ‘Blow’ ‘Come’ and ‘Doggy-Style’ until someone whispered in his ear about reaching [...]