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The most interesting way I have ever been broken up with is by being told, “I am a pirate”.
“Are you, like, in between vessels right now? Because you don’t even have a boat.”
I started picturing him in a puffy shirt with a wooden leg and, at that moment, empathized with every girl who has ever been dumped by a guy for a guy.
“I just want to be free,” he explained, so as to avoid confusion that he literally wanted to be a pirate.
Walking out of his house, I decided that if someone wants to rape, pillage and steal UN food supplies off the coast of Somalia, it is probably a good idea not to date them. I tried to be appreciative of the favour He had handed to me. But those damn things called feelings got in the way and I spent the next year sailing the seven seas of heartbreak.

One of the best things about being in a relationshipthingy, other than the Sex On Tap, is having something to do with ones time. Every moment that you are not, you know, living your own life, is dedicated to the person who quickly encapsulates it. There is no time left for re-watching DVDs of M*A*S*H, creating decoupage or privately performing renditions of Kylie Minogue’s “Locomotion” in front of your mirror (no? Just me?). You have a partner-in-crime and it is probably in ones best interest to hide those kind of occupations and at least pretend to do constructive things when you are alone.
“What did you do today?”
Cartwheels for six hours, thus solving the energy crisis. “I made a sandwich.”
But then, the relationshipthingy ends. And suddenly you have a shit load of free time on your hands.
“Why don’t you watch a movie?” My mother offered while I was in the foetal position on my rug at the critical point of heartbreak. She gave me two choices: “Enchanted” and “Pirates Of The Caribbean” and I decided to immediately kill myself.

As a child, I vetoed human company and instead found solace in playing with my toys. So it probably makes sense that, as an adult, my most recent love is for a battery operated device. During the naivety of childhood, I understood and celebrated the importance of alone time and its virtue on ones development, the beauty of which can be lost when in a relationshipthing.
Being a single entity again is scary. Sure, there is the sporadic hot sex with ones bar tender to make the time pass (no? Just me?), but then there is also a deep level of commitment that is suddenly drowning in loneliness.
“I don’t know what to do with myself,” I told my dad, after I had sobered up from doing the only initial thing I could think of to numb the pain.
“Learn something,” he offered.

The Prettiest Boy In The World [official name] was the first person I let into my subconscious since the last person went off to find buried treasure, Kiera Knightly or whatever it is that modern day pirates are prone to do. Obviously, there has been much raping and pillaging occurring in between, but I have been reluctant and scared to allow a Pirate, Indian or any other possible member of The Village People into my mind as the last person was so appalled by what He found in the treasure chest that is my head.

Not wanting to make the same mistake again, I took my dad’s advice and focused on the idea of learning something while existing as an individual. I have always thought that, other than bendiness, the best thing one can offer another person is knowing who they are at that particular moment in time, and furthermore believe that the process is far more rewarding and deep when done in seclusion. In the past eighteen months, when I have faced some of the most challenging situations of my life, I have embraced the liberation of loneliness to see what I can handle. I have celebrated the destruction of boundaries to see where I can go. And I have studied my own limits, now knowing a little more of what I am capable of as a human being.

I also discovered an intense love of choc-chip cookies and a desire to live in a Hot Air Balloon. Hopefully He is out there somewhere…

When Prettiest Boy In The World [official name] praised my mind as something worth discovering, I felt justified in my investment into single life, and once again praised the importance of solitary confinement as an asset to ones self-worth. Without that decision, the pain, heartbreak and hysteria that I had loved a pirate would not have been channelled into something positive that no one can ever steal.

After being single for over eighteen months, and with no desire to have one of those relationshipthingys anytime in the near future, I have suddenly realized that there is no antithesis in my reality to force me to learn and make it beneficial. There is no distraction. It is entirely for me. But while spending my days investigating, researching and learning, I have found myself craving a new adventure to motivate me to search for more, to go to the next plateau.
“What did you do today?” my boy friend asked.
“My neighbour.”

Aye.