My biggest fear is that the bio-pic of my life will end up being a made-for-TV movie starring Lindsay Lohan. In all fairness, aside from Robert Downey Jr, Lohan is the only Thing with enough stamina to method act the lead role. And I appreciate that. I imagine the plot to feature many insignificant climaxes [...]
The twelve hours after Happy Hour are the direct opposite of what the name implies. “How are you feeling?” My L.A girl friend asked me while I as staring at traffic, wondering if I had the energy to thro myself in front of it. “I am going through waves of: Yes! I could drink again [...]
Imagine if the world was actually in black and white. Not, like, metaphorically, where there were only two options to everything. I mean in literal colour. Or lack there of. People would look better. I don’t want to be a traitor to technicolour, or anything, but the fact is, people look much more attractive when [...]
I have been advised on numerous occasions to get insurance. “I don’t need it,” I insist. “I own nothing. What are people going to steal from me? Ideas?” With no assets to my name except an overpriced brain, my ideas and words are literally all I have. And I give them away for free, to [...]
Every time I hear a baby cry, It almost brings me to tears. “Awww. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard,” my girl friend sighed. She should have let me finish. “…Because the sheer, even distant, sound of a baby’s wail makes me want to staple things to my head, claw out [...]
My friend once spent four hours cleaning mould out of her shower because a boy was arriving for an afternoon of casual sex. “If he lasts as long as it takes for you to waste time, marry him,” I said as I sat on her closed toilet smoking and reading her the news from Vogue. [...]
I was once told that you can never truly be happy until you achieve something. I had just turned twenty-one and had slept with my [insert number here] Californian Surfer, so I thought I knew exactly what my mentor meant. “Something substantial,” He insisted. “Obviously you have never tried to tame a Californian Surfer…” “Focus.” [...]
I have always wanted someone to fall in love with me based on my writing. Which, considering that I spend most of my time writing about blow jobs and sex up against a wall, have figured it shouldn’t be too hard. The idea of somebody being attracted to me based on one of my skills [...]
The first time I babysat my parents house resulted with me vacuuming the pool table because I had been skiing on it. It is about as domesticated as I have ever been in my entire life. “Change the dogs water, feed the dogs, make sure the dogs don’t pee in the house and pick up [...]
I have always had a problem that there is no “I” in team. Grammatically speaking, I can deal with the spelling. But the actuality of being a team player has always bothered me because I don’t enjoy doing anything according to anyone else’s rules. It makes relationships rather difficult because official titles and traditional guidelines [...]