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My biggest fear is that the bio-pic of my life will end up being a made-for-TV movie starring Lindsay Lohan. In all fairness, aside from Robert Downey Jr, Lohan is the only Thing with enough stamina to method act the lead role. And I appreciate that. I imagine the plot to feature many insignificant climaxes that eventually culminate in practice-making-perfect by doing Zac Efron up against a wall. So, you know, it will be a feel good story with a very, very happy ending.

There are so many characters in everyone’s life. Some start out as a supporting player but get killed off because the director isn’t too thrilled about extra-curricular blow jobs. Others begin as guest stars, flirt with a reoccurring role and then get killed off because the director isn’t too thrilled about extra-curricular blow jobs. Longevity, or even speaking, doesn’t necessarily signify the importance of something. But deep impact does.

In the feature-length space of ninety minutes I talked to three ex-boyfriends on the phone. Because every story has a horror section. I answered calls from the hero, the villain and the one I will never appreciate how perfect he actually is.
“Are you a masochist?” my LA girl friend, rightfully, enquired.
“No,” I responded. “Just fucking retarded.”
The entire situation made me desperate to actually get off the couch, have a shower, put on pants and go meet new people. But then The Hero invited me to a game of Scrabble and, well, the suspense to see him almost killed me. To get into character, I had a shot of Jack Daniels.

There are certain and select people I would walk to the end of the earth for. The rest I would just catch an airplane or hope they never asked. Any character in my life has not been defined by longevity but, rather, by education. The Villain, for example, wouldn’t get a drop of scotch out of me if he was dying of dehydration, but my level of gratitude for what he inadvertently taught me trumps the ego one has and I will pander to any request out of sheer appreciation.
The hero, meanwhile, has always has my undivided attention. Much like Efron.

Playing a board game with the person who has had more of a romantic effect on you than any other is an unusual situation. While trying to think of a word to make out of seven letters (Aside: I didn’t have a F, U, C, K, Y, O, or another U), I couldn’t stop thinking, “This just isn’t how I pictured our relationship ever turning out…”
“L.O.V.E,” I spelt out on the board and I wondered if I was on The Truman Show.
After three hours of talking to someone I always thought would be the second lead in my story, I had a sudden epiphany that the screenwriter of my life didn’t like him anymore. The scripted-reality-motions we were going through paled in comparison to other people I had recently auditioned and it was as boring as watching a “The Hills” on repeat. I started to wonder how someone so important can start to feel so insignificant with or without a blowjob.

I have always believed that I would prefer to have ten great loves in my life rather than just one. For a multitude of reasons, the first being that there are six billion people on the planet that it seems stupid to limit the cast members to a single digit. Reflecting or re-meeting the past gives me hope that the present and future loves in my life will turn out to [eventually] be real human beings as well. It is the ultimate feel good moment. A thriller of great consequences that define who you are better than you ever could on your own.

After my trip down the yellow brick road known as Memory Boulevard (its right before Melrose), L.A girl friend and I decided to meet new boys and have new storylines.
We ended up at a gay bar. But I always enjoy a challenge.
“Is it good or bad that I have seen more penises tonight than when I go to regular bars?” I asked.
It was liberating being around an ensemble of people who have dismissed my entire gender, as one can’t take the rejection personally.
After a fun night, while laying in bed by myself, I thought, “Gee, it would be nice to have a walk-in character right about now.”