The only person in control of my life other than me is Jack Daniels. And, to be fair, sometimes he does a better job at it than I do. But for every win, there is an explanation and apology that often involves the words “shopping cart”, “hay stack”, “your window” and, finally, “I am so [...]
I drink too much. I smoke a lot. I enjoy having casual sex. These are the good things about me. I have many a flaw. Sometimes I don’t shower for two days. I zone out while people are talking. I watch YouTube videos of late nineties girl bands while eating shredded cheese out of the [...]
If I suddenly found myself in Pakistan, I would either find a way out or a way to make myself happy. I like ill-fitting clothes and wearing hats, so the Burka wouldn’t necessarily be the make or break. But sand does piss me off. So the desert would become an issue. As would the sexual [...]
When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was an adult. Now that I am an adult, all I want to do is eat ice-cream for breakfast without people debating my mental maturity. “The grass is always greemer…,” people say, which has always kind of bothered me. While eating double-choc-chip with a side [...]
When you are a girl with little credit rating but a big alcohol consumption rate, life can become interesting. Food, obviously, is the first thing to go from ones routine. “I think that you can track my life decisions in direct correlation to Jack Daniels share prices,” I told my boy friend. I recently boasted [...]
I have two lists in my life: Things To Do and…well, Things To Do. Neither have anything ticked off them because I am yet to do the dishes or sleep with John Mayer. “One day…” I tell myself every time I look at the sink. “One day…” I think it would be easier to get [...]
My ex-boyfriend often drives me crazy. So I found a certain amount of irony in begging him to teach my how to drive. I needed physical training and didn’t want to have to add “crashed a car” to the list of things I do in a day. The change in direction is what was challenging [...]
Hi. My name is Sall. And (I think) I am an alcoholic. I have officially had sex with people who have the same names as my favorite bourbons. *tumbleweed* If I could hook an IV of Johnny Walker, Jack Daniels or Jim Beam to my veins, I would. The fact that human beings need to [...]
I think that One Night Stands were invented by poor people. Because, sometimes, you have eight dollars to your name and a burning desire to get laid. Who can date on eight dollars? Does anyone even bother to try? It is also for this reason that Cast Wine was invented. Drunk for eight dollars almost [...]
I was once asked how many people it takes to change a light bulb. “None,” I responded. “You light candles.” My attitude towards fixing anything other than a drink has always had a flavor of I Don’t Care mixed with I Don’t Know How. Some people do something about it. I just cry. When you [...]