20nothing.com

When you are a girl with little credit rating but a big alcohol consumption rate, life can become interesting.
Food, obviously, is the first thing to go from ones routine.
“I think that you can track my life decisions in direct correlation to Jack Daniels share prices,” I told my boy friend.
I recently boasted that I could fill a house with alcohol and consume it, much like a Fairytale witch.
“You would be blind,” my boy friend predicted.
“Is that a challenge?”

I would hate to be a boy for one reason only. I have already come to terms with my envy over their liberty on unapologetic casual sex, dismissal of grooming, abdication from ironing and accepted love of Victoria Secret models.
But the pressure to buy a girl a drink at a bar stops me from being truly jealous of anything with a third leg.
As a Budget Budding Alcoholic, I can’t fathom the pressure of being expected to fund someone else’s addiction every time I stepped out of the house. I would probably be incredibly fit from all the running away from sprinting bartenders I would be doing, but that is about the only positive. In moments of true brainstorming, I also ponder how gay couples date[?]. Part of me thinks that the majority is only straight to save the confusion of the cheque at the end of an evening.

The first time a boy pulled out a chair for me to sit down on, I misjudged the gesture and fell off it.
“Has no one ever pulled out a seat for you?” the disgruntled, supposed bill-payer asked.
“Yes,” I admitted. “But he also wore a flower that squirted water. So, you know, your outfit threw me off your act.”
Many people mourn the death of chauvinism. I call these people “cheap”. Sometimes I even call them “horrible”. But, mostly, I just call them “girls”.
“I liken living in a world of unequal chivalry to Hell,” I announced recently. “Sure, we can get excited that [It’s] hot, but the lack of freedom is eventually going to become a problem.”

When I do get to this magical place called Hell, I hope they have more than just beer. As an atheist with an imagination, I often wonder what Top Shelf Liquor is served? Is The Devil expected to buy a girl a drink? Or does he not have to do that [anymore?]? Do you have to tip? Do the bartenders earn above minimum wage? Can I get a job there?
I didn’t think about the drinks menu of Down There until I read Tucker Max’s book, “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell”. The title itself made me guess that we were on the same page. I didn’t think too much about misogyny in the modern world until I read reviews for Tucker Max’s movie. The chauvinistic commentary made me want to rip out the pages of newspapers and magazines. But I read most of my information online. So, instead, I aggressively closed the window.
“That’ll show Them!”

Nothing is more insulting than when a boy swears and then apologizes for it because a girl is present.
“Well, I guess that is my que to leave,” I announce.
“Where are you going?”
“Outside…But, I will See You Next Tuesday.”
I usually make a point on my way out of Hell to trip and scream “Fuck” as loud as I can. Sometimes it is on purpose.
Recently, Pop Culture – the platform of modern day fairytales – has been questioning the acceptability of a boy talking about sex with a girl in a humorous way and the reoccurring concept of political correctness.
“It is insulting,” They are crying.
“It is inappropriate,” They are yelling.
“It isn’t acceptable.” The are announcing, as an authority on the human condition.
“Why are you laughing?” I have been asked after being told a story that involved double teaming, a football helmet and an emergency room.
“Because. It. Is. Funny.”

When you make a decision to be gender blind, life becomes truly interesting. The reflection of man made concepts – chivalry, pop culture, Tucker Max – on the most natural thing in the world – sex – is the biggest joke of them all. It often annoys me that, in 2009, girls still expect their indulgences to be supported, their doors to be opened and their sex to be silenced. The moment one realizes that people are people and sex is only sex whether it is in relation to a girl, boy or act, Hell is redefined.
“It makes me wonder what my grandmothers generation fought for,” I pondered during a conversation following a morning wrapped around a third leg.
“So, do something about it,” my boy friend suggested.
“Is that a challenge?”