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When I was a kid, all I wanted to be was an adult. Now that I am an adult, all I want to do is eat ice-cream for breakfast without people debating my mental maturity.
“The grass is always greemer…,” people say, which has always kind of bothered me. While eating double-choc-chip with a side of vanilla, I have wondered why no one just waters the grass on the other side to make it the same colour[?].
Wouldn’t that be logical?
But, then again, metaphors have never worked well on me.

Along with Ironic and Relative, my favorite word is Literal.
And there is a relative amount of irony in how often I take someone literally. Usually, when something good is thrown in my direction, I will accept it in all of its positive glory. But bad news is, often, interpreted and analysed until I can reason a positive slant.
“I want to break up with you.”
“This is not good news…Why?”
“Because I am a pirate.”
Sometimes it is easier to do than other times. But, basically, finding a reality that suits your immediate desire is not hard. Apparently, it is easier than searching for the G-Spot. Which is a bad metaphor, because I beg to differ. Ironically.

Living in Los Angeles, I have come to two realizations, based upon a relative comparison with…the rest of the planet.
1. Jack Daniels is cheaper in The United States of Obama; and.
2. Man’s expectation to get laid is in direct correlation to how professionally successful He is.
The fact that my LA dating history is made up of the chorus line of The Pirates Of Pensance, really, only serves to prove point number one. But they were pretty. And the irony lies in the universally proven fact that girls will fall in love and bed with homeless people, so long as they are pretty. There is no metaphor. It is, clearly, science.

When a professionally successful, funny, enchanting, entertaining and intelligent man expressed feelings towards me, my parents were really excited.
“A real human being. A good human being!” a new chorus was sung.
Tired of having to sit across the dinner table from boys whose favorite words were Weed, they marvelled in the good fortune in my ability to engage myself with a fully functioning adult. I only had to mention His name to my mother and she immediately started making wedding plans. Which is ironic. Because I have always said that Brad Pitt couldn’t get me down the aisle. Into bed, however…

After bitching about my luck with The Lost Boys, I explored the adult world of mental maturity through the naïve gaze of a kid.
“You need a thirty year old to put you in your place,” my old roommate used to chant after having to sit across the breakfast table with the metaphorically discarded characters of Point Break. “You are not going to learn anything from these people.”
He was only partly right. I did not know how to pack a Bong until after I started dating my third boyfriend.
Despite effort, I quickly found that the things that are supposed to impress me in the adult world, quite simply, don’t. When one wants something, whether it is a man with a Ferrari or ice-cream for breakfast, they will never sit on the fence. We will explore the options but, always, the grass is, in fact, greener on the other side. Chopped up and smoked, also, but, definitely, greener.

As robots, human beings are programmed to want what they can’t have. It is the mechanical flaw that separates us from the animals. So it was no longer ironic when the next person I fell for was a weed smoking, emotionally unavailable boy who didn’t question my love of eating ice-cream for breakfast.
But, growing up and living life, two things become clearer:
1. Scotch; and,
2. Sometimes the things you have always done are actually things you want to do.
Relativity is just what it takes to make us realize the meaning of the metaphor of knowing what we really want. And then, realizing that it isn’t a metaphor at all. Success in life is in direct correlation to this irony.