Curmudgeonhood And His Merry Men. Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had been read “The Three Little Pigs” instead of “Animal Farm” as a child. While as an eight-year-old I thought that Snowball and Napoleon were, simply, talking piggies, by nine I understood the symbolism and started to rebel against [...]
Lying on the floor of a grocery store trapped under a pile of toilet paper was the third most embarrassing moment of my life. I had reached for the top shelf but failed to grab the most unattainable roll to put in my trolley. The entire display came tumbling down, knocking my ego and I [...]
I have employed patience to the point, where, if it paid me, I would have a full-time job. “Why has no one hired you yet?” My bank manager, otherwise known as My Father, asked me. It is a valid question that can only be met with an invalid answer. “We are in a recession,” I [...]
Would we have a different idea of Love if Romeo had bothered to ask of Juliette’s surname right off the bat? “What for out thou fuck!” He may have said upon hearing “Capulet”. Future generations reference point of eternal unattainability would have been “Romeo + Just Another Random Party”. But it is our ability to [...]
Watching me look after a two-pound Chihuahua has opened people up to a possible reality that I have a soul. “You’re not the same person around that dog,” LA Girl Friend has noted on various occasions. Usually while I am rocking the puppy to sleep like a baby. Or dressing the puppy up like a [...]
When one doesn’t know what they will be doing by sunset, a reminder of what they definitely will be doing in two months literally comes out of nowhere. “Was that a fucking Christmas decoration?” LA Girl Friend almost ran over a homosexual due to the sheer shock of seeing something traditionally-merry erect in West Hollywood. [...]
Parents always say, “When I was your age…” and then tell a story that involves extreme poverty, struggle and a Hell that could never resemble the charmed life You lead. I have always wondered if I compiled my dad’s stories into a book and then re-read them, would they correlate in any way to “War [...]
The only time I ever want a boyfriend is when I am sick. When I have a fever and snot coming out of my nose like a Diet Coke fountain, I feel it is the perfect time to have a significant other. Mainly so that someone is obligated to get me drugs, ice-cream and give [...]
When I was five years old, I would mourn on the day after my birthday. Waking up to no special attention, no presents and an extra year of life paled in comparison to the previous day of glitter and excitement. As an adult, it is even worse. No special attention and a suicide-inducing hangover, because, [...]
When I was five years old I loved birthday presents because I didn’t have the money to buy that kind of crap myself. Twenty years later, nothing has changed. Although I once begged for monkey bars and now for someone to pick up my tab at a bar, the premise remains the same. LA Girl [...]