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Lying on the floor of a grocery store trapped under a pile of toilet paper was the third most embarrassing moment of my life. I had reached for the top shelf but failed to grab the most unattainable roll to put in my trolley. The entire display came tumbling down, knocking my ego and I over. I, literally, felt like shit.
“Why would you do that?” My boy friend asked. “There were packs right in front of you.”
But I didn’t want those ones. See, I wanted to try and get the one I actually wanted. And, even though it became kind of a mess, I had it in the end.

I fall for unattainable people. On my less imaginative days, I employ pop psychology and conclude that Unattainable is the very quality I am attracted to. But that can’t possibly be it and it would be insulting to the human race if it were. Why would anyone be so stupid as to, one, believe psychology is that simple, and even worse, two, do something so overtly irrational? But, there has to be a reason why everyone in the world identifies with the phrase, “I want what I cannot have”.

Human beings seem to instinctively want what they cannot have. While often used as an identifiable character flaw when applying that gem known as pop psychology, I propose that it is an evolutionary biological trait innate in all people. Throughout history, humans have only ever entered the next plateau through wanting something they cannot have. It opens the door to Finding A Way and, therefore, creating something new. We wanted heat, but didn’t have it. So we discovered fire. We wanted to feel better about ourselves, so we discovered Spencer Pratt. Anything that has simply existed, we have always taken for granted (See: Ozone Layer, independent film and Your Parents). It would be naïve to think that this kind of natural human ambition is exempt from our feelings towards sex, love and relationships. They are, after all, at the forefront of evolutionary biology. Challenge not only makes something interesting, it makes it worthwhile. And, therefore, we appreciate it.

Being a spoilt child, I have always been used to getting what I want. While it could make one into an unappreciative brat, it has instead resulted in me always finding a way to get something. A dream, a boy, a roll of toilet paper. Accepting defeat is never an option and I would prefer to fall flat on my back than not try. Trying, hopefully, will eventually get me flat on my back in a much more positive light and, so, really, it is always worth a shot. After all, people can’t have sex with themselves…
Recently, I have wanted A Boy, but don’t have Him. So I discovered a way to try and make it happen.
“I wish you did not have a girlfriend,” I messaged, knowing I was playing with fire. I had realized that His intellect, humor and eyes were more interesting than his Unattainability and couldn’t think of a valid reason for why he shouldn’t know that. While I don’t advocate stealing to satisfy a goal, I do acknowledge that there is a fine line between Taking and Trying.

Something changes the moment you starting liking someone. That something is Awareness. When I am not sexually attracted to someone, I blindly act like a baboon who forgot to get on the evolution bandwagon. But, in the event that I want someone to be In Like with me, my imagination runs wild with consequences to everything I say. Especially if He has a girlfriend. Being attracted to someone is like having your picture taken. You suddenly realize that you are being looked at and everything becomes subject to feeling self-conscious.
I imagine that no one would like anyone if they could just have Them instantly. It would take away from the tragically beautiful feeling of nervousness and no gratitude would ever be generated. It is whether one is aware of this that separates the hopeless romantic from the plain hopeless.

I spent the day feeling, literally, like shit. Getting what you want at the negative expense of someone else does not produce feelings of euphoria. Pop psychology would identify this feeling as guilt. But, the more I let my imagination ponder, I realized that in reality everything has a price. Some risks are just more expensive than others. If no one had tried and rubbed sticks together, we wouldn’t have fire, and I wouldn’t have anything to light my cigarettes. Happiness, truly, does come from creating something new.
“Why would you do that? Do you really like him? You could have anyone else” My boyfriend asked.
But I didn’t want those ones. See, I wanted to try and get the one I actually wanted. And, even though it could become kind of a mess, it might be worth it in the end.