When I returned to university as a twenty-three year old, ninety-nine point nine percent of people asked if I was doing it to meet twenty year old boys.
“No,” I assured my professor. “But it is a nice perk, isn’t it?”
Mixing education and sex is, in my eyes, the meaning of life married into one convenient [...]
I would be pretty excited if I could acquire the ability to teleport. A lot of people, when asked, want the magical capability to read minds. Personally, I don’t enjoy the sound of tumbleweeds blowing around aimlessly, so I definitely stick to teleporting. Aside from really avoiding long airplane flights, I would always use my [...]
Anyone who says “High school is the best time of your life,” obviously never drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and steered a three-wheel bicycle around a courtyard for two hours. Personally, I think that infancy is the best time in anyones life. Youth being wasted on the young is best encapsulated by anyone pushed [...]
I live out of a suitcase. Even when I have a home, I keep my most important belongings in a suitcase. On the floor. It drives other people crazy. But, in the event of an emergency, I like to know that I can leave immediately and still have my circa 1999 pink Converse All-Stars on [...]
I have a crazy neighbor. I am not exactly unique. Everyone in West Hollywood has a crazy neighbor. I am probably somebody’s crazy neighbor. I have been known to pass out in my door way, make-out for hours on the front stoop with various different people and drunkingly sing until all hours of the morning. [...]
There are two types of people in the world. Three if you count Lindsay Lohan. There are the people who could cure cancer and it wouldn’t impress you. So deep and intense is your dislike for said person, there is absolutely nothing they can do to change your opinion. Then there is the person who [...]
My exboyfriend recently turned twenty nine. A milestone that scares me more than anyone else. There is officially a decade between the people I have loved and the people I have fucked.
“You look good for your age,” I told him over lunch.
“I don’t give out compliments any more,” he told me. “I can’t be bothered [...]
Sometimes I wish that I didn’t get to know the people I sleep with. Knowing the actual personality can destroy the fantasy and they become just regular, flawed people. A penis with a cute outfit attached is a far fonder way of remembering someone because then they are always a dick, not a dickhead. However, [...]
Some people have more hours in their day that I have. When I was told that there are actually, astrologically, twenty-four hours between each sunrise, I was shocked.
“It feels like there are only about, maybe, seven,” I said. “And that is on a good day.”
Time just flies by. Frankly, I don’t know how people even [...]
I try to be cool. Every body does. Some people pull it off really well. Like, Obama, for example. He seems like he has himself pretty much under control. And George Clooney. He is so cool he is hot. And, like, I am not going to lie, I think that Elton John has a certain [...]