I was recently standing line at Target, staring at the purchases of the woman in front of me. She was buying a pregnancy test and tampons. “Wait a second…” I put on my detective hat. “Doesn’t one discount the other?” If not, then I have been grossly misinformed. “Maybe she is confused? Or uneducated?” And [...]
I rarely watch movies. It is the ironic by-product of completing a film degree. After spending two years of my life locked away in the dark watching other peoples artistic achievements, the joy of cinematic escapism became redundant and I decided that I could no longer waste my time watching other peoples lives unless they [...]
My favorite character in all of literature is David Sedaris’ mother. A woman who raised five children with a tumbler full of scotch in one hand, a cigarette in the other and an acid tongue. If it wasn’t for the children part, she would be my perfect mentor. But, thankfully, the one choice that separates [...]
I was banned from using networked computers at the age of twenty. Every time I would walk into the room where a group of computers were hanging out, they would immediately self-combust. I, literally, kept the IT man at my university employed for the four hundred years I was there as a student and kept [...]
I wonder how homeless people feel about the phrase, “Home is where the heart is”?They would probably have a lot more to say about it than the Beverly Hills housewife who is surrounded by Italian silk couches and Volvo keys. Or the college student who sleeps in a dorm and uses a beer keg as [...]
Once upon a four months ago I was really fit. English people use the word “fit” to describe beauty or mild attractiveness. I use it, always, to insinuate my ability to outrun a Kenyan and have a cigarette upon the finish line. I have always maintained that I could spend more time in the gym [...]
I buy clothes according to their durability. If it doesn’t need to be ironed or, even, washed, I buy ten in every color of the rainbow. However, when one has less money than the Zimbabwe government, one has to generate new ways to give their clothes longevity. Some people call this “doing laundry”. Living in [...]
My first boyfriend left me for another girl when I was six years old. The break-up followed a game of hide-and-seek where I fell asleep inside the tractor tire I had deemed to be the perfect hiding space. I wasn’t found until the entire preschool had a search party for me. The next day, He [...]
I have never had a fight with a boyfriend. Which means I have never had Make Up Sex. I hear it is good, so I know that it is probably going to end up being my one living regret. Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to start fights. I just happened to have dated [...]
I once walked past an acquaintance who was wearing pleather pants. “You’re a dumb whore,” she yelled after me. Being passive-aggressive, usually misinterpreted as high-and-mighty, means that I rarely respond to such praise. Not because I agree with it or am scared to, more because I have better people to talk to than someone who [...]