You can tell a lot about a person from their history. You can tell even more about them from their Google history. Few people blatantly advertise their penchant for blow-up dolls or Asian porn when speaking at state dinners, or whatever else it is that people do with their time these days. But if you [...]
What is with boys laughing because they ejaculated on to a girls face? Maybe I have seen too many Carnies have a pie thrown at their head, I don’t know, but there has to be a reason why the hilarity of the sexual act of aiming and firing is lost on me. I just don’t [...]
When you haven’t had sex during This decade, anything will get you off. Walking down a street is foreplay and drinking a hot chocolate, almost, feels post-coital. Everything in between is orgasmic only because you have forgotten what the fuck an orgasm feels like. Every waking hour feels like a year because, well, it may [...]
I don’t ask people how their day was because I just don’t care. I tend to ask people bigger questions, questions that will tell me more about who they are rather than what they are doing. So, their view of the universe is much more interesting to me than their view of the day. I [...]
Sometimes when my mood is really bad, I lay in bed and fantasize about which countries I would bomb if I was dictator of the world. It is part of the reason I did not focus on Political Philosophy at university. I did not want to spoil the imaginary possibility that the fate of the [...]
One day, my Mother’s tombstone will read, “She Came. She Saw. She Cleaned.” I can safely say the most frequently used phrase in my Mother’s repertoire, said at an octave undetectable to me, is, “Pick up your towel off the bathroom floor.” “No!” was my first word, presumably because I was asked to clean something [...]
Rainy Days. Double Beds. Marshmallows. Polaroid Cameras. Fall. Puppies. Bicycles. Glitter. Blankets. Candles. Convertibles. Hot Chocolate. Stars. Bubbles. Berets. Music. Waterfalls. Champagne. Regular Chocolate. Cotton Candy. Post Cards. Neck Ties. Cigarettes. First Class. Kissing. Baths. Trains. Light Houses. Rain Forests. Book Stores. Fire Places. Fairy Lights. Tuxedos. Pillows. Scarves. Seafood. Pianos. Balconies. Black And White [...]
I hope that one day, the people who believe dinosaurs roamed the earth five thousand years ago are placed in a museum. I hope that one day, people who try to ban books are not people who get employed by global news networks. The concept that an asteroid which put all of the dinosaurs into [...]
I buy my cleaning products from the 99 Cent Store. Some people having talked down to me because of this, apparently feeling dirty because I buy cheap dishwashing detergent.
“Unless a little woman in a French maids outfit comes out of the can and actually cleans my house for me while I get a massage from [...]
If ancient man had never discovered fire, I would never have become a smoker. While I am addicted and crazy enough to be able to imagine myself holding an unlit roll of paper stuffed with leaves purely so that my hands are occupied, I can’t imagine that the effect would be the same. I am [...]