20nothing.com

When you haven’t had sex during This decade, anything will get you off. Walking down a street is foreplay and drinking a hot chocolate, almost, feels post-coital. Everything in between is orgasmic only because you have forgotten what the fuck an orgasm feels like. Every waking hour feels like a year because, well, it may as well be. Unless you are going to fall over during that walk down the street and on to a penis (or similar), life just, really, isn’t worth living. Some people disagree with me. Lets just assume that they are the ones who are getting laid.

I was sitting down to kill myself when LA Girl Friend exploded into my apartment with news.
“Have you heard of Sexsomnia!?”
“The what now?”
“It is sleep walking. But, instead of walking, You. Have. Sex.”
“I need more information.”
“You. Fuck. In. Your. Sleep. What. The. Fuck?”
I don’t like to use Wikipedia except for when I need things really dumbed down. Like, “What is the meaning of life?” or “How do you fix a hangover after the eighth day in a row?” or “Does he really mean ‘No’?”. Sexsomnia fit, somewhat, into that category. I had more of an interest in what the general public perceived it to be, rather than just a clinical definition, and didn’t know what the fuck she was talking about, so I Wikipediaed the shit out of sexsomnia. (Aside: My Google history is a fascinating read. Sexsomnia rests somewhere between “Can you make homemade nicotine?” and “Does Mary-Kate Olsen really exist?”).
“What are you doing?” LA Girl Friend Blackberry Texted me an hour later.
“Researching. Go away.”
Sexsomnia, sleeping fucking, basically, for those who use their waking hours for more useful things like pedicures and origami, is described as a condition which, according to Wikipedia, isn’t all that cool. Apparently, “Negative effects include feelings of shame and embarrassment and also can cause relationship issues and stress.”
“You think?” LA Girl Friend exclaimed when I read her my findings.
For once, I really did disagree with Wikipedia. Shame? They don’t even know shame. Shame is Not having sex.
“The documentary I was watching,” LA Girl Friend continued, “Said that people were arriving at their neighbors house and having sex with them.”
“Wait a minute.” I sipped my Jack Daniels very, very quickly. “You mean to tell me, that somewhere in the world neighbors are opening doors to people unconsciously fucking them? And they are complaining about it? Where do they live?”

A scientific paper was published on sexsomnia in 2003 and, quite frankly, I can’t believe that Richard Dawkins has not included it in his Immaculate Conception Is Impossible argument. The Virgin Mary, maybe, just had an extreme sleep walking condition that was only worsened by the fact that door locks had not be invented in the BC era. It certainly made me consider never locking my door. Ever. Again.
“But everyone in your building is gay,” my boy friend reminded me.
“What the fuck?” I responded. “Are people even particular when they are sleeping?”
I once had a sex dream about Joel Madden. So, I have to assume, that, like me, other people are also not at all particular when they are dreaming. Hell, I’ve had sex with a neighbor for lessor reasons. Some sleeping sexing person has to, Has To, find me attractive. Right?

What the fuck is happening to man kind if they can’t remember having sex? Sex, apparently the most natural thing in the world, is also, for the most part, the most memorable thing one can do. You never hear, for example, someone say, “Dude, I took the trash out last night!” Unless, well, they…fuck. There have been, I admit, mornings in my life when I have asked, “Did I?” But I also have to admit that a scientific paper has never had to be written to discover why I couldn’t remember. I was drunk. Whoops. I took the trash out. And forgot about it. Very, very quickly.

When you have not had sex in quite some time, either while you are awake or while you are asleep, you start to wonder why you ever denied it when it was offered to you.
“Really? I had a problem with those racist comments That Guy was saying?”
“Really? I thought that red hair was a bad thing? Who did I think I was?”
“Really? I had standards? Why?”
Sex becomes a dream when you aren’t having it consciously. Which, in the absence of Wikipedia, isn’t a problem. The fact that people can have it without knowing it is…is…is…greedy. Did they say That in the scientific paper of 2003?

I live for things that make me laugh myself to sleep. Which, may be, why, once upon a time, I had sex like I was living a dream. When I found out about sexsomnia, I must admit, I felt that my life was a little more complete, because if I ever needed to develop a mental disorder, I had found the one I would want to have. If nothing else, I had gotten something off of it.
Bed time was approaching and, tired of my routine of reading J.D Salinger prose that I would never remember come morning time, I decided to take sleeping pills and let medicine takes its course.
“Aren’t you worried about what will happen to you if you take sleeping pills?” my Girl Friend asked me.
“What the fuck is the worst that could happen? I wake up and find out that I got laid?”
“Well, yeah?”
“In my dreams.”
When you haven’t had sex during This decade, anything will get you off. Falling down onto a bed is foreplay and waking up, apparently, feels post-coital.

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Bibliography:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sleep_sex