I am not what one would call a “girly girl”. I don’t do my hair and didn’t even own a hairbrush until eight months ago. I roll my eyes when I hear talks about feelings and pump my fist when someone suggests a game of beer pong. And, to me at least, skirts are, really, [...]
The Interweb is full of misleading information. Take porn, for example.
“Real girls don’t do that,” I have told my Boy Friends.
“They will eventually.”
“Sure. If persuasion by saturation actually works.”
The real world is no different, really. My Nanna, if she wanted knowledge in her youth, really had to search for it. Today, I couldn’t be fucked [...]
There is a nursery rhyme that goes,
“There were three in the bed and the little one said ‘Roll over, Roll over’. So they all rolled over and one fell out.”
Obviously the writer of said jingle never had an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Because anyone who has an ex knows that the fall out has nothing to [...]
I would love to be trapped in a room with the girl who invented monogamy. I am enlightened enough to assume that it wasn’t a man.
“Just the one? For what? Forever? You’re shitting me right? That is a horrible theory. Be gone, idiot. Next! What did you say? Speak up. The earth is flat? OK. [...]
I have a friend who won’t have sex with the lights on. Which must really be a bitch when she gets horny during daylight hours.
“I don’t want him to see my body,” she explains.
“But…but…he’s…like…already…kind of…oh…what? I don’t understand the question.”
When I am on top of a guy, even in the dark, I kind of assume [...]
Alzheimer’s is, probably, a diagnoses I am going to have to cope with when I am old and living my dream on a rocking chair with a shotgun. I remember very few things these days and, so, considering it is encouraged by alcohol consumption, I don’t even bother practicing a shocked expression for when the [...]
I am sleeping with a younger man. I could not have asked for anything more as a Valentine’s Day present. Romance to me is Mute and Muscular. However, I didn’t actually ask for anything from Saint Valentine. Simply because I do not believe in it. It has just never made sense to me. A day [...]
I was completing a survey in a sex store when it came time to reveal my age. The anonymous theme of the form meant that, rather than write my birth date, I just had to tick the appropriate box (also theme of the store, really). Twenty-one to twenty-four was the first option. Not one for [...]
I have completed three university degrees, but no matter how much education I receive, there is one question I will never be able to answer.
“Why didn’t I just get a boob job?”
My brain is worth over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Which means, basically, that I could have bought silicone for me and about [...]
I think that my up-stairs neighbors are building a time machine. Every night, drilling, hammering and the occasional groan keeps me awake, forcing me to consciously dream of what they are doing. I have hypothesized a meth lab thriving thirteen feet away from me. I wondered if, maybe, NASA had downsized and a rocket ship [...]