I have been in love with some pretty amazing people. Richard Gere. Zac Efron. Brad Pitt. Jared Leto. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. James Franco. Paul Newman. Johnny Depp. Leonardo DiCaprio AND Da Vinci. A real array. Fuck. I fell asleep. Where was I? Oh, yeah. I have been in love with some pretty amazing people. Mr [...]
I walked into the bathroom to cry. I sat down on the floor. And I farted. Loudly. I had to laugh. Here I was, worried about my sobs being heard, and my previous meal was literally like, “Yo, man, can you hear me? I’m right here. Yo! You! Listen!” It wouldn’t have been a problem. [...]
I met my best friend in Paris. The first time we talked, ever, she detailed her latest fuck buddy. “Dude, it is like trying to fit a square into a circle.” I never thought that I would meet my soul mate in the form of a twenty-four year old nurse from Melbourne while I was [...]
Life imitates art. There are so many cliches, like this one, that turn out to be true. It makes one want to put their head in an oven. When I started writing my Novel About Heartbreak, I was blissfully in love and hated having to tarnish the reality of happiness with such a depressing fiction. [...]
It would be fake to say, “Hollywood isn’t a fake town.” Because of this, I have decided to start fake tanning. When in Rome… My initial months in Tinsel Town saw me completely refrain from anything that could mistake me for one of Them. You know, the bleached blonde and overly tanned bimbos that we [...]
I have nightmares about the following scenario coming true. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned,” I slur. Because, lets be honest. I’m always drunk. “Go on My Child.” “I like having sex with younger boys.” “I have no problem with that…” “And I listen to the music of Celine Dion when I am stressed.” [...]
I don’t go out of my way to impress boys. I used to, when I was, like, eight and I was forced to brush my hair by way of parental bribery. But not anymore. I see girls, particularly in LA, with their fake books and their Collagen Injected Everything’s, reflecting off of my matted hair [...]
If I am ever a housewife, my husband won’t need rent money. He will need bail money. The idea of spending my days cooking and cleaning and cohabiting makes me want to commit capital crimes that even O.J’s lawyer would shy away from. Even when I have had roommates, I have needed a stress ball, [...]
My hatred of Lindsay Lohan is nothing but ironic. She drinks, she smokes and she has absolutely no concept of self control. Sometimes, while shaking my head and outlandishly mocking her life decisions, I look to my morning glass of bourbon and think, “What would be different if the zeros in my bank account actually [...]
Once upon a whenever, I took my Boy Friend to see “Cats: The Musical.” “Do you have any idea what the Hell they are singing about?” He asked during intermission. “Not a clue.” “Thank fuck. I thought it was just me.” “A pussy cat sings about memories soon, I think,” I informed him. “I’ve heard [...]