For a long time, I have fantasized about hooking up with the dude who plays Pinocchio at Disneyland, just so I can say, “I knew he was a liar when I met him.” But, as I recently found out that The Happiest Place On Earth does not serve alcohol, I doubt I will ever go [...]
I have met a lot of big dicks in my time. But I have met even more, and even bigger, dickheads. “How many retards do you think there are in the world?” I asked NY Girl Friend. It was not a rhetorical question. “I don’t know. But between the two of us, we have done [...]
My London Girl Friend is a pioneer. Following in the footsteps of Thomas Edison and the like, she came to me one day with a new invention. A game. Thought up completely by her. Fucking The Alphabet. OK, it was no ‘lightbulb’, but one definitely went off above my head when I first heard the [...]
If I could have any kind of super power it would be teleportation. Frankly, I can’t think of a more heroic skill than the ability to effortlessly arrive in Zac Efron’s bed whenever I so choose. Of course, I would also like to be able to immediately take myself out of horrible or dangerous situations [...]
It is said that dogs are “mans best friend”. But I think such an analogy is wrong. Because even when a human is your BFF, you can still manage to find flaws with them and they still do things that piss you off. Sometimes you even cut them out of your life for seemingly irrelevant [...]
My Christmas card list would be utterly bare if I did not remain friends with the people I have slept with. Some of my greatest (and most rewarding friendships) have started because a stranger (Hi!) and another stranger decided to get naked, high-five twenty minutes later and then play video games. All while drinking scotch. [...]
My life consists of about three different scenarios that play out on a rotational basis. There is the drinking. That is pretty frequent. There is the sex. That is unfortunately less frequent. And then there is the people leaving. That is all too frequent. Anything else that happens in between is, simply, just a filler [...]
I have had boys leave me before. One might say it is a Hobby. I have often said that a boys quickest ticket out of a country is having me fall in love with Him. It has happened, more or less, three million times. Seriously, I have wanted to apologize to all of the countries [...]
I met my best friend in Paris. The first time we talked, ever, she detailed her latest fuck buddy. “Dude, it is like trying to fit a square into a circle.” I never thought that I would meet my soul mate in the form of a twenty-four year old nurse from Melbourne while I was [...]
If my dog could talk, I would probably kill myself. The four pound ball of lovable fluff knows almost everything there is to know about me. And as he is a poodle, I have to assume that he would be a gossip if his breed were to morph with human qualities to produce an entirely [...]