If my dog could talk, I would probably kill myself. The four pound ball of lovable fluff knows almost everything there is to know about me. And as he is a poodle, I have to assume that he would be a gossip if his breed were to morph with human qualities to produce an entirely [...]
There is a nursery rhyme that goes,
“There were three in the bed and the little one said ‘Roll over, Roll over’. So they all rolled over and one fell out.”
Obviously the writer of said jingle never had an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Because anyone who has an ex knows that the fall out has nothing to [...]
I don’t ask people how their day was because I just don’t care. I tend to ask people bigger questions, questions that will tell me more about who they are rather than what they are doing. So, their view of the universe is much more interesting to me than their view of the day. I [...]
I carry around my notebook to every place I go to. It isn’t unusual to see me sitting at a bar, scribbling observations on a dog-chewed collection of papers. I call those days “weekdays”. And, sometimes, “weekends”. I pen thoughts, instances and, with increasing frequency, ridiculously stupid things that people say.
“People fall in love with [...]
Sometimes I wish that I didn’t get to know the people I sleep with. Knowing the actual personality can destroy the fantasy and they become just regular, flawed people. A penis with a cute outfit attached is a far fonder way of remembering someone because then they are always a dick, not a dickhead. However, [...]
Watching me look after a two-pound Chihuahua has opened people up to a possible reality that I have a soul.
“You’re not the same person around that dog,” LA Girl Friend has noted on various occasions.
Usually while I am rocking the puppy to sleep like a baby. Or dressing the puppy up like a doll. Or [...]
The only time I ever want a boyfriend is when I am sick. When I have a fever and snot coming out of my nose like a Diet Coke fountain, I feel it is the perfect time to have a significant other. Mainly so that someone is obligated to get me drugs, ice-cream and give [...]
My ex-boyfriend often drives me crazy. So I found a certain amount of irony in begging him to teach my how to drive.
I needed physical training and didn’t want to have to add “crashed a car” to the list of things I do in a day. The change in direction is what was challenging me [...]
I think that One Night Stands were invented by poor people. Because, sometimes, you have eight dollars to your name and a burning desire to get laid. Who can date on eight dollars? Does anyone even bother to try? It is also for this reason that Cast Wine was invented. Drunk for eight dollars almost [...]
I have always wanted to write about going to Vegas because one of my favorite writers, Hunter S. Thompson, wrote about going to Vegas. I have a new found respect for the man. Because he remembers what the Fuck happened.
Finding out that I was going to be going to Vegas was like getting the [...]