They say you haven’t lived until you have cleaned another persons pee off your own toilet seat. Oh. They don’t say that? Really? Well, I do. Because I have. And I feel fucking alive. If someone had told me, twenty-four hours or so ago, that I would be cleaning urine off a toilet, I would [...]
If I am ever a housewife, my husband won’t need rent money. He will need bail money. The idea of spending my days cooking and cleaning and cohabiting makes me want to commit capital crimes that even O.J’s lawyer would shy away from. Even when I have had roommates, I have needed a stress ball, [...]
I wonder whether we can ever evolve past the bitterness we feel towards The Next Girlfriend[/Boyfriend]? I have. And while I don’t really want to toot my own horn as some sort of Darwinist aberration of nature, I so totally will. Once Upon A Two Degrees Ago, I felt nothing but resentment for the girl [...]
I am not what one would call a “girly girl”. I don’t do my hair and didn’t even own a hairbrush until eight months ago. I roll my eyes when I hear talks about feelings and pump my fist when someone suggests a game of beer pong. And, to me at least, skirts are, really, [...]
I have a friend who won’t have sex with the lights on. Which must really be a bitch when she gets horny during daylight hours. “I don’t want him to see my body,” she explains. “But…but…he’s…like…already…kind of…oh…what? I don’t understand the question.” When I am on top of a guy, even in the dark, I [...]
I have completed three university degrees, but no matter how much education I receive, there is one question I will never be able to answer. “Why didn’t I just get a boob job?” My brain is worth over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Which means, basically, that I could have bought silicone for me [...]
I was banned from using networked computers at the age of twenty. Every time I would walk into the room where a group of computers were hanging out, they would immediately self-combust. I, literally, kept the IT man at my university employed for the four hundred years I was there as a student and kept [...]
When I returned to university as a twenty-three year old, ninety-nine point nine percent of people asked if I was doing it to meet twenty year old boys. “No,” I assured my professor. “But it is a nice perk, isn’t it?” Mixing education and sex is, in my eyes, the meaning of life married into [...]
When you have the maternal instincts of Britney Spears, you indulge Darwinism and go with the intelligent decision nature has made for you and never procreate. “What if you want to love something?” People who have obviously never discovered Box Set DVDs have asked me. “I will buy a puppy,” I inform them. “I don’t [...]
I think that One Night Stands were invented by poor people. Because, sometimes, you have eight dollars to your name and a burning desire to get laid. Who can date on eight dollars? Does anyone even bother to try? It is also for this reason that Cast Wine was invented. Drunk for eight dollars almost [...]