I wonder whether we can ever evolve past the bitterness we feel towards The Next Girlfriend[/Boyfriend]? I have. And while I don’t really want to toot my own horn as some sort of Darwinist aberration of nature, I so totally will.
Once Upon A Two Degrees Ago, I felt nothing but resentment for the girl who [...]
I have often wished that I was a wallflower. A quiet little image who hangs in the corner during a gathering like an obedient and observational painting. A Monet, if you will. Instead, I’m like something Picasso painted, looked at it and went, “Fuck, even I think that is too much.”
I will never be the [...]
The Interweb is full of misleading information. Take porn, for example.
“Real girls don’t do that,” I have told my Boy Friends.
“They will eventually.”
“Sure. If persuasion by saturation actually works.”
The real world is no different, really. My Nanna, if she wanted knowledge in her youth, really had to search for it. Today, I couldn’t be fucked [...]
I hope that one day, the people who believe dinosaurs roamed the earth five thousand years ago are placed in a museum. I hope that one day, people who try to ban books are not people who get employed by global news networks. The concept that an asteroid which put all of the dinosaurs into [...]
I frequent a gym where old women and gay men alike prance around the change room naked. It is a small price to pay for the small price I pay to ensure that my ass does not fall down to my knees. In fact, if anyone ever needs motivation to work out, spending time amongst [...]
I was recently standing line at Target, staring at the purchases of the woman in front of me. She was buying a pregnancy test and tampons.
“Wait a second…” I put on my detective hat. “Doesn’t one discount the other?”
If not, then I have been grossly misinformed.
“Maybe she is confused? Or uneducated?” And then I wondered [...]
I once walked past an acquaintance who was wearing pleather pants.
“You’re a dumb whore,” she yelled after me.
Being passive-aggressive, usually misinterpreted as high-and-mighty, means that I rarely respond to such praise. Not because I agree with it or am scared to, more because I have better people to talk to than someone who would say [...]
I have a crazy neighbor. I am not exactly unique. Everyone in West Hollywood has a crazy neighbor. I am probably somebody’s crazy neighbor. I have been known to pass out in my door way, make-out for hours on the front stoop with various different people and drunkingly sing until all hours of the morning. [...]
Sometimes when I am bored, I sit with a packet of cigarettes and dream of what I would do if I were Queen for a day. By the second cigarette, I decide that I would delete Facebook so that I didn’t have any distractions and could actually get the shit done. Then I would build [...]
I was once told that you can never truly be happy until you achieve something. I had just turned twenty-one and had slept with my [insert number here] Californian Surfer, so I thought I knew exactly what my mentor meant.
“Something substantial,” He insisted.
“Obviously you have never tried to tame a Californian Surfer…”
“Focus.”
“OK.”
He elaborated that the [...]