My hatred of Lindsay Lohan is nothing but ironic. She drinks, she smokes and she has absolutely no concept of self control. Sometimes, while shaking my head and outlandishly mocking her life decisions, I look to my morning glass of bourbon and think, “What would be different if the zeros in my bank account actually [...]
I am not what one would call a “girly girl”. I don’t do my hair and didn’t even own a hairbrush until eight months ago. I roll my eyes when I hear talks about feelings and pump my fist when someone suggests a game of beer pong. And, to me at least, skirts are, really, [...]
There is a nursery rhyme that goes,
“There were three in the bed and the little one said ‘Roll over, Roll over’. So they all rolled over and one fell out.”
Obviously the writer of said jingle never had an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Because anyone who has an ex knows that the fall out has nothing to [...]
I have a snake phobia. If only Freud was alive today to work that one out. People get very confused with the difference between a phobia and a fear and, thus, frequently tell me to Just Get Over It. To clear it up, a phobia is having a heart attack when a snake is on [...]
For a long time, I thought that Sober Sex was a myth or, at the very best, as frequent an occurrence as Haley’s Comet. If you’re lucky, you will get to experience it twice in your life time. I lost my virginity sober and, so, I just figured that my last sexual experience would be [...]
I did not get into the Twilight books because they are boring, I don’t agree with them ideologically, need to see my vampires in the flesh and was waiting for the movie.
“Would you rather be a Vampire or a Zombie?” LA Girl Friend asked. She is going through a phase of getting to know me [...]
When you haven’t had sex during This decade, anything will get you off. Walking down a street is foreplay and drinking a hot chocolate, almost, feels post-coital. Everything in between is orgasmic only because you have forgotten what the fuck an orgasm feels like. Every waking hour feels like a year because, well, it may [...]
Sometimes when my mood is really bad, I lay in bed and fantasize about which countries I would bomb if I was dictator of the world. It is part of the reason I did not focus on Political Philosophy at university. I did not want to spoil the imaginary possibility that the fate of the [...]
One day, my Mother’s tombstone will read, “She Came. She Saw. She Cleaned.” I can safely say the most frequently used phrase in my Mother’s repertoire, said at an octave undetectable to me, is, “Pick up your towel off the bathroom floor.” “No!” was my first word, presumably because I was asked to clean something [...]
No day in my life will ever be as bad as November 25, 2001. Global nuclear war, the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt or the invention of Crocs have nothing on this one particular day when a lone seventeen year old girl (me!) drank three quarters of a bottle of tequila, woke up in the back [...]