I wonder whether we can ever evolve past the bitterness we feel towards The Next Girlfriend[/Boyfriend]? I have. And while I don’t really want to toot my own horn as some sort of Darwinist aberration of nature, I so totally will.
Once Upon A Two Degrees Ago, I felt nothing but resentment for the girl who [...]
I have often wished that I was a wallflower. A quiet little image who hangs in the corner during a gathering like an obedient and observational painting. A Monet, if you will. Instead, I’m like something Picasso painted, looked at it and went, “Fuck, even I think that is too much.”
I will never be the [...]
The Interweb is full of misleading information. Take porn, for example.
“Real girls don’t do that,” I have told my Boy Friends.
“They will eventually.”
“Sure. If persuasion by saturation actually works.”
The real world is no different, really. My Nanna, if she wanted knowledge in her youth, really had to search for it. Today, I couldn’t be fucked [...]
I would love to be trapped in a room with the girl who invented monogamy. I am enlightened enough to assume that it wasn’t a man.
“Just the one? For what? Forever? You’re shitting me right? That is a horrible theory. Be gone, idiot. Next! What did you say? Speak up. The earth is flat? OK. [...]
I have completed three university degrees, but no matter how much education I receive, there is one question I will never be able to answer.
“Why didn’t I just get a boob job?”
My brain is worth over two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. Which means, basically, that I could have bought silicone for me and about [...]
I think that my up-stairs neighbors are building a time machine. Every night, drilling, hammering and the occasional groan keeps me awake, forcing me to consciously dream of what they are doing. I have hypothesized a meth lab thriving thirteen feet away from me. I wondered if, maybe, NASA had downsized and a rocket ship [...]
I have theme days. It affects how I dress, what music I listen to, what conversations I have and how drunk I get. Sometimes I channel Monica Gellar circa mid-nineties Friends episodes and wear completely unflattering clothes for the fun of it. Sometimes I spend an entire twenty-four hour period listening to Irish folk music. [...]
My eighty-two year old grandfather recently had his birth certificate denied for the first time in his entire life. Sometimes, I see clear evidence to the redundancy that is bureaucracy. He went to the Post Office to get a new passport, but the Einstein behind the counter would not accept the evidence to suggest that, [...]
I don’t ask people how their day was because I just don’t care. I tend to ask people bigger questions, questions that will tell me more about who they are rather than what they are doing. So, their view of the universe is much more interesting to me than their view of the day. I [...]
Sometimes when my mood is really bad, I lay in bed and fantasize about which countries I would bomb if I was dictator of the world. It is part of the reason I did not focus on Political Philosophy at university. I did not want to spoil the imaginary possibility that the fate of the [...]