Albert Einstein is my “type” of guy. He never brushed his hair, he couldn’t exactly speak English and he didn’t hold down a real job. Had I been alive, and Austrian, during Bertie’s time, I am sure I would have completely fallen for him. Or, if he was around now, the same would probably happen. [...]
Within one week my mother joined Facebook, got an iPhone and was bought an iPad. I found out via her Twitter update. It was like she was becoming a cooler version of me, and was in a hurry to do so, to prove once again that the original is always better than the sequel. Of [...]
After having my drink spiked, I wanted to write a letter of apology to my toilet because of everything it had been through. My days are rarely stressful (read: everything else I have ever written) but when I had to make many decisions of whether to sit on or kneel beside it, beads of sweat [...]
If I was to drop dead right now, every photo at my funeral would show me posing with a drink in my hand. “I wonder why her liver failed at such a young age?” a relative might ponder while I was haunting everyone at the wake. “Where did all the alcohol go?” another would notice [...]
I came of age during the “Dawson’s Creek” era of history. Which, really, means that I just have a tendency to use ninety words when about four would suffice. It doesn’t affect my every day life (I’m a writer. Not an editor. It isn’t my problem), but just like anyone else who used Joey and [...]
I learned how to take myself out on a date when I was seventeen years old. Living alone in London, having met no friends due to the large percentage of my spare time spent waiting outside Buckingham Palace telepathically encouraging Prince Harry ask me for a spare cigarette, I was forced to dine alone in [...]
I am no ones In Case Of Emergency person. The best advice I have ever given someone is, “swallow,” and despite the fact that it applies and improves a variety of difficult situations, it doesn’t exactly profoundly solve a crisis. So, my friends look elsewhere when shit hits the fan. In my own life, I [...]
I hate to admit this, but I once went through a phase where I would go to sleep listening to the sounds of Celine Dion singing. I don’t know why, but I think it had something to do with the vibrations in her voice putting me into a coma. Although I could be wrong. I [...]
They say you haven’t lived until you have cleaned another persons pee off your own toilet seat. Oh. They don’t say that? Really? Well, I do. Because I have. And I feel fucking alive. If someone had told me, twenty-four hours or so ago, that I would be cleaning urine off a toilet, I would [...]
I walked into the bathroom to cry. I sat down on the floor. And I farted. Loudly. I had to laugh. Here I was, worried about my sobs being heard, and my previous meal was literally like, “Yo, man, can you hear me? I’m right here. Yo! You! Listen!” It wouldn’t have been a problem. [...]