I don’t go out of my way to impress boys. I used to, when I was, like, eight and I was forced to brush my hair by way of parental bribery. But not anymore. I see girls, particularly in LA, with their fake books and their Collagen Injected Everything’s, reflecting off of my matted hair [...]
My ex-boyfriend routinely farted on my head. From the moment I told him that I thought farts were funny, he took the joke as far as it could go. Romance to me is getting cup caked while trying to go to sleep and my definition of a Dutch Oven is remarkably different to most peoples.
When [...]
I have a snake phobia. If only Freud was alive today to work that one out. People get very confused with the difference between a phobia and a fear and, thus, frequently tell me to Just Get Over It. To clear it up, a phobia is having a heart attack when a snake is on [...]
I buy my cleaning products from the 99 Cent Store. Some people having talked down to me because of this, apparently feeling dirty because I buy cheap dishwashing detergent.
“Unless a little woman in a French maids outfit comes out of the can and actually cleans my house for me while I get a massage from [...]
No day in my life will ever be as bad as November 25, 2001. Global nuclear war, the birth of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt or the invention of Crocs have nothing on this one particular day when a lone seventeen year old girl (me!) drank three quarters of a bottle of tequila, woke up in the back [...]
I was recently standing line at Target, staring at the purchases of the woman in front of me. She was buying a pregnancy test and tampons.
“Wait a second…” I put on my detective hat. “Doesn’t one discount the other?”
If not, then I have been grossly misinformed.
“Maybe she is confused? Or uneducated?” And then I wondered [...]
Anyone who says “High school is the best time of your life,” obviously never drank a bottle of Jack Daniels and steered a three-wheel bicycle around a courtyard for two hours. Personally, I think that infancy is the best time in anyones life. Youth being wasted on the young is best encapsulated by anyone pushed [...]
Every time I hear a baby cry, It almost brings me to tears.
“Awww. That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard,” my girl friend sighed.
She should have let me finish.
“…Because the sheer, even distant, sound of a baby’s wail makes me want to staple things to my head, claw out my brain with [...]
The first time I babysat my parents house resulted with me vacuuming the pool table because I had been skiing on it. It is about as domesticated as I have ever been in my entire life.
“Change the dogs water, feed the dogs, make sure the dogs don’t pee in the house and pick up the [...]
I don’t think I could ever work nine to five because those are tanning hours. My hypothetical boss would walk into my cubical/glory hole and inquire as to where I was.
“She is at the beach,” Crystal (hypothetically) would say.
I would be fired before the end of the first week and would then, subsequently, sit at [...]