If I am ever a housewife, my husband won’t need rent money. He will need bail money. The idea of spending my days cooking and cleaning and cohabiting makes me want to commit capital crimes that even O.J’s lawyer would shy away from. Even when I have had roommates, I have needed a stress ball, [...]
Once upon a whenever, I took my Boy Friend to see “Cats: The Musical.”
“Do you have any idea what the Hell they are singing about?” He asked during intermission.
“Not a clue.”
“Thank fuck. I thought it was just me.”
“A pussy cat sings about memories soon, I think,” I informed him.
“I’ve heard that before…”
I don’t remember too [...]
I wonder whether we can ever evolve past the bitterness we feel towards The Next Girlfriend[/Boyfriend]? I have. And while I don’t really want to toot my own horn as some sort of Darwinist aberration of nature, I so totally will.
Once Upon A Two Degrees Ago, I felt nothing but resentment for the girl who [...]
When personalities were being assigned, I think I had passed out before the “maturity” portion of the ceremony. I firmly believe that ‘The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button’ is a documentary or that F. Scott Fitzgerald anticipated my life.
“She will be born with a concept of right and wrong, she will take on responsibilities, but [...]
If my dog could talk, I would probably kill myself. The four pound ball of lovable fluff knows almost everything there is to know about me. And as he is a poodle, I have to assume that he would be a gossip if his breed were to morph with human qualities to produce an entirely [...]
I have often wished that I was a wallflower. A quiet little image who hangs in the corner during a gathering like an obedient and observational painting. A Monet, if you will. Instead, I’m like something Picasso painted, looked at it and went, “Fuck, even I think that is too much.”
I will never be the [...]
The Interweb is full of misleading information. Take porn, for example.
“Real girls don’t do that,” I have told my Boy Friends.
“They will eventually.”
“Sure. If persuasion by saturation actually works.”
The real world is no different, really. My Nanna, if she wanted knowledge in her youth, really had to search for it. Today, I couldn’t be fucked [...]
There is a nursery rhyme that goes,
“There were three in the bed and the little one said ‘Roll over, Roll over’. So they all rolled over and one fell out.”
Obviously the writer of said jingle never had an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Because anyone who has an ex knows that the fall out has nothing to [...]
I would love to be trapped in a room with the girl who invented monogamy. I am enlightened enough to assume that it wasn’t a man.
“Just the one? For what? Forever? You’re shitting me right? That is a horrible theory. Be gone, idiot. Next! What did you say? Speak up. The earth is flat? OK. [...]
I have a friend who won’t have sex with the lights on. Which must really be a bitch when she gets horny during daylight hours.
“I don’t want him to see my body,” she explains.
“But…but…he’s…like…already…kind of…oh…what? I don’t understand the question.”
When I am on top of a guy, even in the dark, I kind of assume [...]