I have nightmares about the following scenario coming true.
“Forgive me father, for I have sinned,” I slur. Because, lets be honest. I’m always drunk.
“Go on My Child.”
“I like having sex with younger boys.”
“I have no problem with that…”
“And I listen to the music of Celine Dion when I am stressed.”
“Holy Fuck!”
Everyone has strange habits to [...]
I don’t go out of my way to impress boys. I used to, when I was, like, eight and I was forced to brush my hair by way of parental bribery. But not anymore. I see girls, particularly in LA, with their fake books and their Collagen Injected Everything’s, reflecting off of my matted hair [...]
If I am ever a housewife, my husband won’t need rent money. He will need bail money. The idea of spending my days cooking and cleaning and cohabiting makes me want to commit capital crimes that even O.J’s lawyer would shy away from. Even when I have had roommates, I have needed a stress ball, [...]
Once upon a whenever, I took my Boy Friend to see “Cats: The Musical.”
“Do you have any idea what the Hell they are singing about?” He asked during intermission.
“Not a clue.”
“Thank fuck. I thought it was just me.”
“A pussy cat sings about memories soon, I think,” I informed him.
“I’ve heard that before…”
I don’t remember too [...]
I wonder whether we can ever evolve past the bitterness we feel towards The Next Girlfriend[/Boyfriend]? I have. And while I don’t really want to toot my own horn as some sort of Darwinist aberration of nature, I so totally will.
Once Upon A Two Degrees Ago, I felt nothing but resentment for the girl who [...]
If my dog could talk, I would probably kill myself. The four pound ball of lovable fluff knows almost everything there is to know about me. And as he is a poodle, I have to assume that he would be a gossip if his breed were to morph with human qualities to produce an entirely [...]
I have often wished that I was a wallflower. A quiet little image who hangs in the corner during a gathering like an obedient and observational painting. A Monet, if you will. Instead, I’m like something Picasso painted, looked at it and went, “Fuck, even I think that is too much.”
I will never be the [...]
There is a nursery rhyme that goes,
“There were three in the bed and the little one said ‘Roll over, Roll over’. So they all rolled over and one fell out.”
Obviously the writer of said jingle never had an ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. Because anyone who has an ex knows that the fall out has nothing to [...]
I would love to be trapped in a room with the girl who invented monogamy. I am enlightened enough to assume that it wasn’t a man.
“Just the one? For what? Forever? You’re shitting me right? That is a horrible theory. Be gone, idiot. Next! What did you say? Speak up. The earth is flat? OK. [...]
I have a friend who won’t have sex with the lights on. Which must really be a bitch when she gets horny during daylight hours.
“I don’t want him to see my body,” she explains.
“But…but…he’s…like…already…kind of…oh…what? I don’t understand the question.”
When I am on top of a guy, even in the dark, I kind of assume [...]